Wednesday, January 2, 2008 | by nathan

Daddy Went To The Bad Place For Awhile, But He’s Back Now

I’ve spent this entire two weeks off work really, really dreading going back to work. An abnormal amount of my break has gone by with me feeling alternately sad, panicked, and generally depressed, and not entirely sure why. Then, the other night on the way to New Year’s Eve dinner, I started spilling all my guts out to Brian in the car.

The deal is, my job is pretty awesome financially. I make more money than I’ve ever made anywhere, and than most people with my credentials and experience can hope to make. The problem is that I’m not happy with my job because my job? Not so much what I want to do with my life.

I want to write books for a living. That’s what I want to do, and nothing else. A great deal of my time off has been spent at home, writing in the morning, then doing stuff around the house for awhile, then getting back to writing again. It was perfect. The house was clean, the laundry done, the dog paid attention to, and I finally feel like I’m back in the groove with this novel I’m trying to write. And as soon as I’d start to enjoy it too much, BOOM! Down came this dark cloud of fear and loathing; fear that once work started back up that I’d lose my streak, and loathing for a job that pays too well to quit and yet leaves me feeling vaguely spiritually bereft.

The real wrench in the gear is that if I stay at this job I can be financially solvent for the first time in YEARS very, very soon, and I want that. But also, I want to be happy in what I’m doing. At the moment I feel stuck, which is making me resent my job even more. If I could afford it, I’d get a part-time job at a coffee shop to pay my bills and quit the one I have now. Then I could write a lot and work enough so that I’d be forced to change out of my pajama pants every once in awhile.

But I’m not there yet. The biggest item on this year’s Uberlist is to make more money off writing than any year previous, and I believe I can do it, but there’s still this dread at the back of my mind about going back to work.

I’ve spent a big part of today thinking and praying about this, and now I’m at a place where I feel pretty okay about going back to work tomorrow, but not completely. I’ve decided to redeem this sense of disappointment in my current career by turning it into motivation to get my writing done every night. Last night this spurred me to finish over 1,000 words of this book; it’s working for tonight so far as well, though it’ll have to wait until at least the 3rd quarter of the Fiesta Bowl.

I mean - priorities.

Thursday, November 1, 2007 | by nathan

Aaaaaand we’re off!

Today is the start of National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for the uninitiated. It’s possible that November will be a semi-sparse month blog-wise for me, so thanks in advance for not abandoning me altogether. If you’re doing NaNoWriMo, or if you’re wanting to just read some of my laughably terrible fiction, you may follow along with me at the WriMo website; my user name is okaycity.

Also, I got my new shoes in the mail yesterday, so as soon as I pick up a replacement Nike Sport Kit (grr bahh!) I’ll get back to posting my run times. My 5K is a week from this Saturday, and I’m recovering from a fairly nasty sinus infection, but I expect to be back to my regular 80% functionality by the time it comes around. After all people, I’m in it to win it.*

Also, for no other reason than nostalgia, and because I knew Brian would like something to tinker on, I bought this on eBay this week:

I’d like to point out here that I paid far more for the shipping on this dinosaur than I did for the computer itself, but hey. I’m actually considering installing the *ORIGINAL* MS Word on it (the one on which I wrote my first novel attempts and short stories at age 8 in my dad’s office), and making it an internet-free writing space. But who am I kidding? I’d have just as much a problem procrastinating with Hypercard and Kid Pix as I do with the internet. Does anyone know where I can download software for this thing? Is there a place on the web to do that? Come through for me here, internets.

* and by "win it," of course, as usual, I mean "finish at all, even if it kills me." 

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 | by nathan

from the rising of the sun, to the place where it sets

Man, I’m used to logging onto my site and creating and seeing something new every day. With the end of the x365 project I find myself re-evaluating this website and what I want it to be. As of yet, that question has no answer. Also, NaNoWriMo is starting soon, so please forgive me if the immediate future of Okay City is a quiet one; just promise not to leave altogether, all right?

Thanks, both of you.

What you probably will get soon is a site redesign. My genius of a boyfriend is creating new blog template for me, because - well, because I don’t wanna do it myself. So there will likely be some new features, and Brian may start guest posting. Anyway, I’m going to try to discipline myself into updating regularly, but I don’t want to trade quantity for quality. In all likelihood I’ll work a whole lot harder on my writing craft, so that when you do have something to read here, it’ll be good.  

Friday, October 12, 2007 | by nathan

No pity. Just send baked goods.

So I didn’t get the job. You know the one - the dream job I was crapping myself over? I didn’t get it.

But here’s the deal: I will personally hunt down any of you who leave pep talks in my comments, and I will do horrible things to you. Not because I don’t appreciate the sentiments, or the fact that I know you were all rooting for me: that, I very, very appreciate. It’s just that platitudes and pep talks make me want to feel sorry for myself. When someone says something to me along the lines of, "When God closes a door He opens a window," or "Their loss," or anything like that, I want to curl up into a ball and have myself a big ol’ pity party.

The fact is, it sucks. I’ve been in a horrible mood all week, and add to that the fact that I’m working 40 hours today, tomorrow and Sunday - for a total of over 70 this week - plus the fact that my work situation is not ideal at the moment anyway and the very, very nice digital SLR camera I was supposed to spend my weekend working with? It’s broken. ON THE DAY I NEED IT MOST OF ANY DAY I’VE EVER WORKED HERE.

So - I’m in a foul mood. But the wheels are turning; not getting this job is a setback, and a major one, but every time something like this happens we’re faced with a choice: dwell, or keep moving. I’m electing to keep moving, though at a slow pace for the moment.

I don’t have any time at all to really discuss it, but I will make this one point:

When the only thing you’ve ever wanted to do for your entire life is to be a writer, almost any other job you could ever have - even if it involves lots of writing, as my current P.R. gig does - is most likely going to fall short of expectations and be incredibly disappointing on a spiritual and creative level. The good thing about my job is that I only feel that way about half the time, which, to be honest, makes it probably the second-best job I’ve ever had. So until that book deal comes through or I find something that’s 60/40, I’m here to stay.

In related news, I’m officially signed on for NaNoWriMo, and in the wake of all this disappointment, the wheels are really, really turning. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 | by nathan

My head’s not all in one place, but here’s this:

This week is teh suck. I’m working 71 hours, and all day Friday and Saturday; literally - all day. From 8 a.m. until midnight both days, and then from 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Sunday. Even that wouldn’t be so bad except that next week is going to be about another 50 or more hours, and then, hopefully, at the end of it, Brian and I can lock ourselves in our house and not leave again for quite some time. The upside is that, because I’m STILL on contract, I’m billing the CRAP out of my employers, and my next two paychecks are going to be teh awesome.

Brian got home last night. He had texted to say his flight would be about 20 minutes later than we’d expected, so to pass the time I stopped and got stuff for dinner, then at my local polling place to vote Yes! on Maps for Kids. On our way back home from the airport we stopped so Brian could vote. I’m happy to report that I was the 174th person in my precinct to vote AT ALL.

Anyway, I made us a dinner of tuna steaks and acorn squash that was deeply satisfying, and we cuddled on the couch and talked and watched The Simpsons, then lampooned our way through the Republican Debate. We tried to put together all our new Halloween decorations, but had some problems with them not lighting up; it’ getting fixed tonight.

It was kind of a perfect homecoming, especially because of how much harder it was this time to have him gone. Last night was the first time since we left for Dallas that either one of us has slept in our bed.

Two internet things before I go:

1) I’m going to do National Novel Writing Month, more popularly known as NaNoWriMo, next month. I need to get motivated on this novel, and I’m hoping that my ridiculous stubbornness, mixed with a (un)healthy curiosity (can I write a novel in a month? We’ll see!) will be the motivation I need. I’ve pretty much got the whole plot outlined and all my ideas are clear, I just can’t, for whatever reason, get them on the page. Here’s hoping November changes that.

2) My friend Tish just started a new blog. It’s awesome; you should totally go check it out.  

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 | by nathan

Liquid Crystal is the New Papyrus

‘Amember that time, that one time, when I said I was going to write a novel by hand?

Yeah, that was dumb.

Every time I sit down to write by hand I end up just brainstorming for hours; I’ve made tons of useful notes, had a zillion wonderful ideas and thoughts, but only written about 250 words of actual novel. Having once written over 14,000 words in a panic-induced, last-minute-before-deadline race to the finish line, I just know I can do better.

So I’ve decided to try Scrivener. It’s a wonderful little word processor-plus program that I highly recommend you writers all try out. I’m going to shut up now and get to work, as the weeks of slow-ass stagnation have made me into a little literary volcano. I hope. 

Monday, July 30, 2007 | by nathan

jot

So, about two weeks ago Brian turned me on to Twitter . Does anybody else have a one of these? I held off as long as I could after Brian showed me, but then last week I signed up, and it’s kinda fun. I’m using it as the sort of cyber-equivalent of the index cards I try to carry around with me as much as possible, to jot down ideas or thoughts so I don’t forget them or generally just write pithy little thoughts that don’t really belong on a blog or in my handwritten journal. To be fair, I was going to delete my MySpace account when I did this, but then I got roped into helping with the reunion, and it turns out social networking sites are the new wave of the "didn’t get enough of high school the first time around" circuit.

So, if you like you can follow along. It’s actually kinda fun.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 | by nathan

Neat!

‘Amember how I said I was going to write out my next novel by hand? And how I needed to go get a bunch of legal pads on which to do so? WELL!

Today at lunch I was at home, eating some delicious pad thai with tofu, and the mail came. I went to get it, and there was a package on the front porch from my good friend Dylan, who had sent me a box full of legal pads from Staples, a box of pens and a really awesome card.

So, in sight of the entire Internets, Dylan, here you go:

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 | by nathan

Harry Potter and the Giant Bags of Douche

So, as anyone with a brain - or, really, even just a brain stem and a computer - knows, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is coming out this week. I’ve reserved my copy at my local Border’s and am planning on attending the all-night festivities with my buddy Laurie.

You can have whatever opinion you want of Harry Potter (unless you think the books are promoting witchcraft - then you’re a moron). But if you have any tiny little inkling of a soul I think we can all agree that these people - including my beloved New York Times - who are posting major plot points and spoilers ahead of the book’s release are giant, Godzilla-sized douche bags.

J.K. Rowling has spent 17 years developing these characters and this story, and many fans have waited a decade to see how Harry’s story plays out. I first read the books in the fall of 2001, at which time there were four, in advance of seeing the first movie, and they captivated me so that I skipped a lecture in Philosophy of Religion, which was probably the best class I’ve ever taken. So I’ve got 6 years of Harry-love under my belt, and most fans have more.

How and WHY would someone spoil all that for everyone? I’ll tell you why: because they have absolutely no respect for the artist or the reader and absolutely no appreciation for the process and joy of reading a story, of experiencing suspense, and rising action, and the complete rush of emotion that can come from experiencing a story’s subtle - and not-so-subtle - twists, turns, and intricacies of plot. These people have no business reading, or, for that matter, voting. Or driving. And they really have no business being on the internet.

I feel passionately about this less as a fan of the series and more as a writer. It enrages me to think that some people would degrade someone’s life’s work so easily, so without conscience. Writing, contrary to popular myth, is hard fucking work, and while I get that not everyone gets that - just like I don’t get why someone would, say, go into medicine - you could at least respect what you’ve been asked OVER AND OVER not to do.

So far I’ve been lucky enough to avoid all but one teeny, tiny little spoiler, and even that one made me feel a little bit dirty, despite the fact that 1) it ruined almost nothing, and 2) went right along with the theory about the events in Book 7 that I’ve been nursing for quite awhile, which I’ll post here before midnight on Friday. Don’t read ‘em, people, and don’t post ‘em. It’s disrespectful. It’s bad manners. And when you get to Heaven, you’ll have to be in a book club with Barbara Cartland.  

Thursday, July 12, 2007 | by nathan

scribble, scribble

Today I had to go down to the State Capitol complex for a meeting, and I was not entirely sure why I was there, but it was good to get out, and get free Jason’s Deli, so I can’t complain.

I stole the legal pad out of an absentee board member’s agenda binder, and began taking notes, remembering all of a sudden how, in college, I always carried around my journal and a yellow legal pad, in case something more formal than a journal entry came floating into my mind. In the margin of the meeting notes I was taking, I scrawled, "Why Do I Always Feel So Creative At the Most Inappropriate Times?"

It’s a fair question, but then it struck me that I’ve written three - count ‘em, three - novels, and not one of them has gone out to publishers, because not one of them has been fairly edited. The one I just wrote - with which I am the most happy - is sitting in the floor of my office, spiral bound, with editing marks on the first three chapters, but that’s usually as far as I get editing my fiction, because I start realizing that it’s utter crap, and how could someone ever want to give this to the world?

The fact is that a lot of published authors have read my fiction, and have really, genuinely liked it, and thought I had a chance to write professionally. All these thoughts were spinning around in my head, in this meeting to which I was only paying minimal attention, and I realized that I really, really, really want to write my next novel by hand. On legal pads, and in spiral notebooks, and not in front of a soulless computer where the internet is constantly calling out to me to surf, surf, buy, buy, listen, watch, ask Jeeves.  

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to spend the rest of this summer editing that god forsaken novel - whether or not I think it’s any good, because no writer likes his own work most of the time - and then I’m going to write its sequel out by hand.  

The fact is, I’m not longer being forced by the graduate-school- powers-that-be to write novels, and this is both good and bad. It’s good, because I am no longer under time constraints to get them done, which I think will offer me some very important creative freedoms. It’s bad, because no one is making me do it anymore, and the idea that I might stop terrifies me absolutely to death.

I like the thought that every night I’ll sit down with my legal pad and write out even just 300-500 words, a few pages. I have had some days writing when, because I am a fast typist or because I was under an impossible deadline, I’ve written upwards of 10,000 words in a 12 hour span. But I realized in that meeting this morning that I am relying on those occasional spurts to get me through a writing career, and that is not going to happen.

So, for my birthday, get me legal pads, and lots of great pens, and a bit of quiet time every night after the gym and the Simpsons and before I snuggle up next to Brian in bed. That’s all I really want.

Oh, and an iPhone.