Wednesday, February 10, 2010 | by nathan

Waiting Out February

God, isn’t February just the worst? I hate it so much. January should be worse, what with the nearly six weeks between paychecks and lowest average temperatures of the year, but … there’s just something about February. It’s dark. It lacks the "new start" feeling of January. By February you’ve broken in the Christmas presents, reneged on all your resolutions, lost your sense of hope, stopped seeing the wonder in freshly-fallen snow and started to wonder why they even bothered giving the so-called "New Year" its own number, it’s so obviously indistinguishable from the previous one.

I mean, if you’re like me. Which you’re probably not. I’m sure you’re fine.

I always get seasonal affective disorder in February. It has something to do with there not being enough light, or warmth, or possibly I just really hate Valentine’s Day. And Presidents’ Day. Yeah – screw Presidents’ Day! I don’t even get off work for it.

This year, though, I’m trying to actively resist my annual slide into seasonal affectiveness. I’m doing this by editing the shit out of my novel. I’m over halfway through it and will be hand-selecting a few friends to read the third draft for me – for pay – by the end of the month. I’m also trying to get a lot more exercise, including going to the gym on my lunch breaks. This has been difficult of late, as my day job has kept me hopping through the midday hours. I hope to return to this habit on Monday. WHAT ELSE ARE MONDAYS FOR? 

Still, though, I’m ready for March. I’m ready to start my seeds and spring those clocks forward. I’m ready for thunderstorms and lighter coats and not having to bundle up head-to-toe just to take out the damn garbage. My dad always says you shouldn’t wish your life away. As hard as it is, I’m trying not to hasten February’s demise, but instead to be really aware, to notice the winter passing by, and to get as much done as possible in preparation for longer days, green grass, and warmer air, the kind you want to breathe deeply, the kind that carries the sounds of the birds and the smells of new things growing. Until that comes, I’ll edit, and try to exercise, and try really, really hard to believe that it’s coming, if I’m just patient enough.

Friday, January 15, 2010 | by nathan

What I’m Working On

Writing a novel is hard, but the beauty of it is that when you’re working on your rough draft, you don’t have to worry about whether or not it sucks. In fact, you can’t worry about that, or you’ll find yourself paralyzed by self-doubt and criticism. Editing as you write is a surefire way to get yourself shackled by the monster known as perfectionism, that oppressive force that will keep you forever wondering why you never lived up to your potential. You keep hearing the voice of your high school principal, or your meanest relative, or your worst friend, telling you this will never work out, that you’d better just go get a job at Aldi and forget about it. Well – probably your mind doesn’t sound like this. But mine does.

All that is to say, I’m editing a novel right now, and it’s really hard because I don’t get to be free anymore. I don’t get to plow blissfully forward, getting my work done each day and keeping the monster of perfectionism at bay. I have to critically evaluate my own stuff, patch plot holes and seek out my worst writerly and grammatical mistakes. It feels less like being an artist and more like being an engineer.

Also, I’m working on new stuff for this website, specifically an entry – or, more likely, a series of entries – about some of my religious and political beliefs. I’m certain these entries will in no way offend anyone at all and that my comments will be filled with glowing praise. I’m also sure the yet-to-be-announced Apple Tablet will be able to make me coffee and will wake me each morning by gently massaging my naughty bits.

FInally, I’m considering starting another blog, on OpenSalon. I have a bunch of pieces that are, frankly, too good to put on this website but have been more or less pocket vetoed by other places I write for on occasion. I don’t want to start another website with its own domain name, mostly because OpenSalon blogs seem to more or less promote themselves, or at least, to make themselves a little easier to promote. I haven’t forgotten you dozen or so awesome souls who read this site. But I did promise myself that 2010 was going to be the year I wrote more, and lo and behold if that resolution hasn’t come back to bite me in the ass a little bit.

Thursday, December 31, 2009 | by nathan

Two Thousand Win!

The last day of this decade has been a banner one. I finished my novel this morning, about seven minutes before I was set to meet five and a half of my favorite people (my husband, the Flynns, including baby Flynn who is not with us yet, @drpants and @kcclifford), at Cafe Antigua for some Guatemalan lunch. We’ve just finished watching Oklahoma (barely) win the Sun Bowl and now Brian has gone to snag a bottle of champagne for tonight’s festivities.

Finishing this rough draft of a novel, being as proud of it as I am, and doing it on the eve of an entirely new decade, makes me think that amazing things are ahead in the coming year. I’ve had this feeling for awhile, that I’m on the cusp of something, despite the fact that I have no idea what that might be. I only know that at this time last year, I had no clue of any of the humongous, humbling blessings this year has brought. And I can’t wait to see what 2010 will bring. I can’t wait to challenge myself over the next year. I can’t wait to turn 30.

I hope you all are happy and safe as you ring in a new year and a new decade. See you in the ‘teens (¿Is that what we’re calling them now? The Teens? The Tens? The Twenty-Teens? SUPERMONDODECADEzOMG?!?! You all think about it and get back to me).

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 | by nathan

World Tour

Internet, I’m having one or two minor problems with anxiety in advance of my deeply imminent travels abroad. It’s crazy – I mean, remember that one time when I LIVED IN EUROPE FOR SIX MONTHS? Why am I freaked out about going back? 

Part of it is that Brian isn’t here; he left on Sunday morning, early, to jet out to Washington, D.C. for business. I’m leaving in about 48 hours from now to join him. In the meantime I have to do a whole sh**load of laundry, get my house nice and clean so that my buddy Casey, who is house-and-dogsitting for us, doesn’t have to live in a pig sty.

Last night I stayed up packing – most of my clothes are already crammed tightly into my freshly-Febreezed duffel bag – I REFUSE TO CHECK LUGGAGE. To aid myself while I packed I watched all six episodes of the first series of the BBC black comedy Sensitive Skin, starring the lovely Joanna Lumley (Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous). I only meant to watch one episode. I SWEAR I did but that sh**’s addicting. Careful, though; it’s about the most British thing you’re likely to have seen in awhile.

I’ve got a ton of stuff to do before I leave, including a freelancing deadline for an article I pitched BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY NUTS. In other news, I am the cover author of the local alternative newsweekly – for the second time in a year, holla – so be sure to pick that up if you’re in town.

Maybe it’s the lingering worry of having a largely-uncompleted to-do list hanging over my head, or maybe it’s that I’m always weird when Brian is away, but the past two days my stomach has been fluttering wildly, wobbling so much that I can see it through my shirt. It feels the way that I would imagine a kicking baby does. Also, I’ve become entirely obsessed with my passport, with knowing where it is at all times, to the degree that the first thing I do when I rise and the last thing I do before I go to bed is to check and make sure it’s still in the same place it was. I pick it up, I flip through it a few times, and I set it back down EXACTLY where it was before, but then come the next morning, there I am, rushing to it to make sure it hasn’t been moved, or ran away.

One can only sustain this level of mental illness but for so long; in 48 hours I’ll be in the air and headed east, and when I set down in Washington, D.C. to begin this next adventure I’m sure everything will have come together just as it’s meant to.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 | by nathan

Samcat

This is Buzzer:

Buzzer is a cat who lives across the street from me. The day that we moved into our house, we had the screen door open in front and Buzzer came wandering in just as happy as you please. He’s the friendliest cat I’ve ever known; his name is Buzzer because he is always, always purring. Like, ALWAYS.

As far as his personality is concerned, Buzzer is the cat version of my dog, Sam. They’re even the same color. The other day, when I took these photos, I was out weeding the garden and Buzzer came wandering into the backyard. He sidled up to me and started rubbing his head all over my leg, my arms, my hands – he went a little nuts with happiness when I started petting him. When I stopped he’d start to meow, softly, and then follow me around wherever I walked. It was rather adorable of him.

Eventually, though, Buzzer decided that he wanted to go chasing after the squirrels who live in the very back of my backyard, and he started to sneak, ever so stealthily, to the bush where they make their home:

When the squirrels saw him they quickly took off, and Buzzer came back to begging me for love. He was still in my backyard when I got done weeding, keeping an eye on things for me. I don’t want a cat of my own, but with Buzzer it’s like I get to have one without having to keep the litter box in my house, which, I admit, is a huge plus.

Friday, May 15, 2009 | by nathan

Let The Summer Commence

I have to work for a few hours tomorrow afternoon, and then on Monday my office is going to a four-day work week through the end of July. That means I will have Fridays free and all to myself, which will be wonderful – so wonderful, in fact, that I’m already dreading the first five-day week back at the beginning of August. Things I’m excited about this summer include:

• Fourth of July weekend in Washington, D.C.
• Followed by six days in beautiful Ireland with three of the world’s best people.
• Getting to take the "Great Oklahoma Road Trip" series I’ve been doing for the Gazette actually on the road. I’m figuring a lot of Friday trips around the state will be in order; who’s in?
• The garden, three varieties of fresh tomatoes, two of squash, purple opal basil and hot peppers. Have I mentioned to you my excitement?
• Gin fizz buzz in the late afternoon.
• Fireflies, indian paintbrushes, june bugs and sunshine. IF IT EVER STOPS RAINING.

To sum up, I’m excited, and I’m kicking off the summer tonight by attending sold-out final edition of The Parlour Series with my husband and my mom. Tomorrow, after I finish some work stuff I have to do, we’re going to the Dr. Pants show at VZD’s. Oh, what? You’re not doing anything? Well! TiVo Will Ferrell on SNL and meet us at VZD’s!

Also, considering that I’m obligation-free on Fridays starting tomorrow, I’m thinking that Thursday-night karaoke and/or Porch Sitting And Nintendo Playing With Booze should be a regular deal. Who’s in?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009 | by nathan

This Concludes Our Broadcast Day

This is a very quick note to say I’m going to take it easy on blogging for just a little while – probably less than a week. I need to put something down for a little bit, and this is the most logical option. See you next week.

Friday, March 13, 2009 | by nathan

The Last Week of Winter

It just occurred to me, on this second Friday the 13th of 2009, that there is only one week left in winter. A week from day is the spring equinox, signaling with its equal amounts of daylight and night that winter has finally packed its toys and gone home. Of course, you wouldn’t know it from the weather here – it’s cold and raining and generally S.A.D. weather. It always helps me to keep in the front of my mind that my feeling of hopelessness is a chemical thing, molecules in my brain doing their thing in the lack of sunlight and warmth. That means that my intuition isn’t telling me it’s the end of the world, that the economy might not be on the brink of collapse and that I shouldn’t, in fact, buy a gun and double my tomato crop.

Last night after work I went home to let Sam out before going to the gym. When I called him he went under the dining room table, through the legs of a chair he really couldn’t fit through. This was the same chair on which I’d stacked a bunch of dress shirts I need to iron. The chair went over on the floor, and Sam, confused, proceeded to walk all over them.

"Oh, Sam, god dammit!" I cried. My poor, submissive dog got scared at my tone and wouldn’t go outside, retreating instead into the office. I called him again and he held his ground on the couch in the office. I told him about three times to go out, getting more and more frustrated as I’d hoped this stop at home would only last a couple minutes. Sam hopped down from the couch and stood, defensively, in the middle of my office and peed ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

…and I completely lost my shit all over the place.

I started crying, shouting sort of to no one in particular that that office was supposed to be the place where I was going to make my dreams of becoming a writer come true, and what is it now? A pee-soaked indoor doghouse with a desk covered in dust and bills and where no writing has taken place in months, as I’ve been doing my daily writing during the lunch hour and after hours at work. It doesn’t help that these winter blues mean that I’m losing faith in my creative abilities, such as they are, and that the novel I’m writing seems like utter crap to me every time I open it up but I can’t give up now, dammit, because I’m almost 50,000 words in and the story is nowhere near over.

So I cleaned up the pee, petted Sam for awhile and finally got him to go outside and finish the business he’d started on the hardwood, and called Brian, who was at that moment driving back from Austin, only about 45 minutes from home, and lost my shit again to him over the phone. It had been a terrible day, wherein I’d argued loudly with an Oklahoma City police officer and didn’t feel well to begin with and thought WAY TOO MUCH about the economy, and I felt more defeated than I have in a long, long time.

I felt terrible about going to the gym when Brian was so close to getting home, but I needed to move, to work out some of this aggressive energy that had been building up. I did, and I felt better almost the moment I sat down at the chest press. I came home and watched television with my husband and generally felt better.

This morning I was feeling nervous and anxious once more, however, and so I decided to put on my coat and scarf and take a quick jaunt around the building, my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. I was walking past a group of undergraduates when all of a sudden – I’m not sure at all what happened – the zipper on my jeans just popped right open, right there in front of them. There was a moment of embarassed silence and fear. In spite of it all I had to work to suppress a laugh while I hitched my zipper back up, then, laughing at myself, I turned and walked back to the office.

Is everything okay? No, not at all. But it’s all mostly brain chemistry stuff and winter stuff and the only way I know to get through those kinds of things is the way I’m choosing to: laughing at myself, getting enough exercise, eating well and trying to remember that this, too, shall pass.

Friday, March 6, 2009 | by nathan

He Plays The Bells

My buddy Matt was here this week for a conference. We met in college and became good friends, and through the magic of technology have been able to keep up with one another’s major live shifts and locations and see photos of each other drunk at parties.

It’s funny how friendships seem to have totally changed with the advent of Facebook and Twitter and FaceSpace and whatevertheeff. People I never thought I’d connect with or have anything in common with when we were physically living down the hall from each other, I have found to be fascinating, cool, interesting people. Some people who I considered to be too cool to ever want to be my friend, it turns out, for some reason felt the same way about me, and it took the relative remove of the internet for us to overcome that initial barrier of mutual intimidation. Other people with whom I spent loads of time and with whom I had loads in common drifted off in one direction, me in the other, and while we keep flashing signals at each other – "You okay?" "Yep! Fine! There’s fish over here! You?" - we are on wildly divergent paths that may carry us to a place where Facebookage is the exact level of friendship that we have, and that’s okay. Some of the people I spent a lot of time with, I miss so deeply that even getting to monitor their tiny little day-in-day-out adventures isn’t enough except that it has to be.

It’s interesting to me how this all plays out. I find that while I’m glad I have these cyber tools to keep track of people, a kind of three-dimensional graph in my mind of everyone’s movements and how they’re doing and what they believe politically, nothing really beats what I got to do today, which is to take my good friend Matt to the Red Cup here in Oklahoma City for lunch, and sit and talk to him about how great I’m doing, and how great he’s doing, and whether or not he’s going to go down this one path that opened up or this other one, and aren’t weddings just the worst? And remember that time in college when? Oh yeah, I remember that it was so funny, and you wouldn’t even recognize so-and-so now, he’s gotten so crazy, but Crazy McNutsface is now sane and normal as can be and we hung out last week. Nothing beats that, and for the next week or more I’ll be smiling to remember it.

Matt left to go back after we had lunch, and is now driving back to Atlanta in a rented car, so shoot a prayer skyward that he makes it there safely. Meantime, those of you who know me really and cyberreally, leave me a comment. I’m doing fine here in middle America – great even – and I had the #4 at Red Cup, which is where I’ll take you if you ever find yourself in Oklahoma City, and I’ll recommend you have the #4 too, because it’s this grilled cheese sandwich with slices of green apple and onion and it is SO GOOD.

But enough about me. How are you?

Monday, February 23, 2009 | by nathan

I just get all blargh and burgle and vlurm

I’ve been in an awful mood off and on for weeks. There have been moments of grace and warmth, like when my mom and I got to share a box at the Thunder game with my brother and his girlfriend, and we ran into my cousin Stephen and his new-ish baby. That was nice. There was Friday night, when Brian and I finally, finally got off our asses and tried the Iguana Mexican Grill around the corner from our old apartment in downtown Oklahoma City. We’ll be going back.

But good Lord there have been a lot of moments of total panic, discordant anger, impatient hand-wringing and worn-out, exhausted sadness. I tend to blame these moments on Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I do think that it being February has a lot to do with why I’m feeling so wonky. I haven’t written anything decent in weeks and I’ve been too worn out and whiny to subject my wonderful readers to too much complaining, WHICH I HOPE TO GOD YOU APPRECIATE. This time of year I find myself sapped of energy and a weird combination of lazy and restless: I don’t feel like doing anything at all, but that makes me angry with myself and so I force myself to get up and get something done, the whole time feeling resentful and angry. It’s not a fun place to live.

I spent most of Saturday miserably hungover from our outing at the Iguana Lounge and attempted to recover while Brian went with his family to an Oklahoma girls’ basketball game. It was not a productive or exciting day and I felt like shit for most of it.

The thing I forced myself to do this weekend was to plant the spinach sprouts that I’ve had up for a few weeks in the plot in the backyard, and to pot some of the more ably-performing zucchini plants I had, which I did yesterday. The spinach looked fine but I think I killed about half the zucchini that I transplanted. It’s fine; I’ve got something like 40-50 more plants still in their flat currently sunning on the front porch. It was hard, thankless work, I gouged the fuck out of my hands while I was doing it and managed to piss off my sinuses in the meantime. Still, it’s good to have done.