Unfortunately, I happen to, every once in awhile, get a Taco Bell craving that is so strong that the armies of Hell itself couldn’t stop me from eating intestine-shredding, soul-crippling Taco Bell. I also happen to have an enabler husband who will very generously go out in all kinds of weather to get us food. One such scenario posited itself the other night, and I found myself on the Taco Bell website trying to decide what I wanted. This is what greeted me:

At first I thought Taco Bell was just finally manning up and telling me what I already knew about my occasional indulgence in their food-adjacent product. I thought maybe God was using the Taco Bell website to send me some kind of message – “DON’T DO IT PLEASE! ADULT ONSET DIABETES IS JUST ONE CHEESY GORDITA CRUNCH AWAY!”

Then, I realized that this website was in mourning. And THEN, I realized that the “Bell” in Taco Bell is actually a dude’s name. It threw my whole world into disarray – who is Hardee? Who is Carl, Jr.? For that matter – who is Carl, Sr.? Is there a Mr. Sonic, America’s Drive-In out there? And how on earth did Glen Bell live to be 86 years old given that he HAD to have eaten some of his chain’s food at some point? I naturally assumed my continued Runs for the Border® would leave me with a lifespan more comparable to Jesus or Mozart than, say, Betty White, not to mention endless cases of Runs for the Border®.

At any rate, I eventually got deeper into the website, where I was confronted with another conundrum. Which is when this conversation ensued.

Me: Do you see any difference between these two pictures?

Brian: Let’s see. Both have crisp, freshly prepared tortilla chips, seasoned ground beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, hearty beans, diced ripe tomatoes, and reduced fat sour cream.

Me: Well – which one is bigger?

Brian: I don’t know.

Me: i want whichever one is bigger. Get me whichever one is bigger. So I can win.