Endurability

Dani Shapiro, in the Los Angeles Times, gives some advice that I really, really needed to hear this week:

…my internal life as a writer has been a constant battle with the small, whispering voice (well, sometimes it shouts) that tells me I can’t do it. This time, the voice taunts me, you will fall flat on your face. Every single piece of writing I have ever completed — whether a novel, a memoir, an essay, short story or review — has begun as a wrestling match between hopelessness and something else, some other quality that all writers, if they are to keep going, must possess.

Call it stubbornness, stamina, a take-no-prisoners determination, but a writer at work reminds me of nothing so much as a terrier with a bone: gnawing, biting, chewing, until finally there is nothing left to do but fall away.

This week I gave a copy of my novel to two of the people I love and trust the most in this world. And for a full 48 hours after I did that, every time I thought about it, I almost had a panic attack. As I thought about passages in the book, story points, characters, I suddenly realized that the whole thing was crap. I contemplated breaking into their house and stealing the book back before they could read the horrible, horrible first chapter.

Fact is, what’s kept me going throughout this process was the merest bit of that determination Shapiro is talking about. The way I finished NaNoWriMo was to not think for one second whether what I was writing was any good, but just to write and to trust the things I know about crafting a novel and about the process of writing well. The way I got through it was to write what I knew was a shitty first draft, occasionally letting bad writing lie there, knowing I could come back later and fix it. Which I did, this month. And while I’m sure there are problems, still, things that I’ll need to fix and tweak and re-write, I’m holding on to the fact that when I set the thing down at the end of that long month of editing, I thought to myself, "You know, this isn’t the best novel ever written. It’s not the next Great American Novel. But it’s good. It’s good work. I’m proud of it." 

I’m going to give two more copies of the thing out – I’m trying to keep the reading circle small for this next bit of revision – and I’m sure I will have equally panicky moments when I let go of the binders. I’m practicing endurability here, sticking with it even while my faith in myself is waning. All artists have to do that, I think. I can’t imagine working on something as hard as I’ve worked on this and not having some moments of doubt. But it’s the first novel-length piece of fiction I’ve ever written that I’ve been even remotely comfortable showing to people who weren’t Professional Writing professors. Which is a step. Soon I’ll take another. Then another. Then someday soon I’ll have a piece of writing I want to show the whole world.

On Being Safe To Be Unsafe

My latest piece is up over at OpenSalon. I like to call it my "origin story." Also, it features Treehouse of Horror.

Let me be as clear as I know how to be:

I.Am Not. Okay.

And I LOVE being good at things.

I may have accidentally, a long time ago, confused the accolades I got from my parents and teachers with – and I’m just saying it’s possible that I did this – love. At six years old or so I might have unintentionally started to think that being good at things would mean that I wouldn’t have any problems whatsoever, and, conversely, that the way to avoid having problems was to avoid doing things I was bad at.

Well, you can see the problem.

All the pieces I’ve published at OpenSalon up to this point were written just about a year ago; my next piece will be of brand new, 2010 vintage. I just have to … you know … write it. Anyone got some ideas for me?

the only difference being that I don’t have access to any liquid nitrogen. Not since the … unpleasantness.

When I matriculated at Wake Forest University in the fall of 1998, they were one of the most "wired" campuses in America. The internet boom had yet to turn bust, and recently-graduated Sanskrit majors were leaping headlong into the information revolution and becoming overnight millionaires (then, it turns out, overnight thousandaires). Wake had a really pioneering program wherein a part of our exorbitant tuition costs allowed each student to receive a laptop upon enrollment. Then, two years later, you’d trade in your laptop for a different, newer laptop.

It didn’t suck.

Since then laptops have become ubiquitous on college campuses; some people even argue that it’s hard to learn without one. To tell you the truth, I think that in my four years of free-laptopdom at Wake Forest, I actually took the thing to class exactly one time, and even then I sat there talking to a friend on AIM. We all had them, sure, but I never saw a Wake Forest classroom where people were wildly typing notes. You just didn’t see them in class. I’m sure this has changed now.

When I started my abortive half-semester at Yale Divinity School in the fall of 2002, I bought a brand-new Sony Vaio. Things were different in the Ivy Leagues, and on the first day of class, when I whipped out a pen and paper to take notes, I found myself in a minority of me; everyone else had their computers out. So I thought, what the hell, Nate, join the now.

Thing is, I found that I didn’t remember anything. I type about 110 words a minute, give or take, so I could literally almost type the lecture word-for-word. But none of it stuck. I quickly went back to being a one-man minority. I find that the physical action of writing things down, even if I don’t get every single bit, helps the information to stick in my mind. Typing doesn’t do that; it lacks the physical connection to the information. Going back and reading my typed notes later, I found myself thinking over and over, "I don’t remember him saying that." I felt disconnected from the lecture.

This isn’t true for everyone; it just is for me. At any rate, by the time I made another go at grad school and found myself as the teaching assistant for an Introduction to Mass Communications class at the University of Oklahoma, laptops were everywhere. So was MySpace. I warned the students in my discussion group within an inch of their lives about using the internet during the lecture. Bring your laptop to take notes, fine. But I stationed myself at the back of the class and watched those laptop screens.

One student in particular became a problem. Not only was she constantly MySpacing even after I asked her not to, she was distracting the people around her with it, showing them videos or photos or wall posts that entertained her. ALL WHILE THE PROFESSOR WAS TEACHING. Maybe it’s that my father is a college professor, but I found myself enraged by this behavior. The professor noticed it and asked me to do something. So, one day, after I’d already asked her once to either keep it on Microsoft Word or put it away, I walked down and sat next to her, a big, big grin on my face.

"Give me the laptop," I said happily.

She giggled. Oh, you’re so funny. Ha-ha.

"I’m not actually kidding. Give it to me." 

Her eyes got wide, but her smile remained.

"Right now." 

I’d tried to whisper, to be quiet, but now the whole class, comprised of somewhere in the neighborhood of 175 students, mostly freshmen, were staring at me.

"I want the computer. Hand it over. Right now." 

"Are you serious?" 

"Do I look like I’m kidding?" 

Her face orange with shame and fake tanner, she closed the computer and handed it over. I stood up and suddenly noticed the sea of kaiser-roll-sized eyeballs staring at me.

"LET THIS BE A WARNING TO THE REST OF YOU." 

The professor was barely managing to suppress a laugh. At the end of the class the student walked up to me.

"Can I have my computer back now?" 

"What computer?" I asked.

"My computer. My laptop. You took it away."

"Oh, that?" I said. "I threw that away. You might be able to dig it out of the garbage can out in the hall. But I also threw half a yogurt in there."

Her eyes welled up. I couldn’t take it anymore; I pulled her laptop out of my bag and handed it to her.

"You understand that MySpacing during class is, like, super rude, right?" I asked.

She nodded, chagrined.

"See you Wednesday." 

All that is to say, as awesome as I think the internet and mobile computing are, I somewhat question their value in the classroom environment. This long, long story drives home a point that was put much more succinctly by a professor at that same august institution, the University of Oklahoma, in a video I found on Engadget:

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