Wednesday, October 3, 2007 | by nathan

I’m Over It

Things I Wish Would Go Away:

Chris Crocker. Seriously? Seriously? All manner of gay bashing aside (for which, as a gay man, I have diplomatic immunity), this kid is absolutely ridiculous. I’m all for challenging society’s norms, flamboyancy, and camp, but this kid doesn’t know what any of those words mean. He’s just another example of how, in today’s culture, people get more famous for being stupid, vapid, shallow and weird than for having any actual talent. Also, a bitch needs to eat something.

Britney Spears. I’ve wanted her to go away from the moment I first heard "Baby One More Time." I hate hate hate hate hate her. HATE her. I do feel sorry for her; clearly she’s suffering from postpartum depression, but the fact that I even know that much makes me sick to my stomach. My freshman year of college, all the lame-ass, Abercrombie-wearing (and working at) guys on my hall would blast her record for hours. It made me want to burn my ears. And let’s not forget the first guy I ever dated, who took me to see her awful movie. I more or less forgive him for breaking my heart; I’ll never forgive him for that. Fact is, nothing that’s ever happened in her career or her personal life has surprised me, because it wasn’t meant to; she’s been pre-packaged from Day One. She’s the pop culture equivalent of a Twinkie; her music is just audio MSG, and I’m allergic to MSG.

George W. Bush. How does a person get up in the morning and look himself in the mirror after vetoing health care for little kids? I do appreciate the intricacies of the "privatization" vs. "government" debate in health care, but GOOD GOD HOW DO YOU TAKE KIDS’ MEDICINE AWAY? You don’t get to do that! You just - do - not - get - to - do - that. They’re KIDS! They need MEDICINE! They don’t care who gives it to them! Their parents aren’t sitting at home going, "Oh, well, Johnny’s having another asthma attack and we can’t afford an inhaler, but thank GOD the government isn’t interfering in our lives!" Who honestly thinks that ensuring health care for every child in the country is wrong? Who seeks to profit from that? Isn’t it time for you to go? Aren’t you supposed to be leaving soon? I tell ya, the Rapture or January 20, 2009 can not come fast enough. You know what he needs? A spanking. Barbara needs to bend him over her knee and teach him a lesson. Of course, with all the things he’s done wrong in his presidency - let’s not even mention the things he did in the Texas Air National Guard or that horrible rumor he started about Ann Richards, it would take so long we’d be forced to make Cheney the acting president through 2009, and nobody wants that.

My 34-inch waist. Okay, people, I’ve been hitting the gym hard since May, and progress just isn’t happening fast enough for my tastes. From the 8th grade on I’ve worn a size 32, and then, last year - whoop! Gone! And I’m PISSED.

Carlos Mencia. I swear to God, I thought he was a Muppet until about a week ago. Then I find out his real name’s Ned Holness, he’s not Mexican, and oh? By the way? I’m pretty sure stand-up comedians are supposed to be funny. But I’m not a stand-up comedian, so.

"Virtua-Churches." I’M NOT SHOWING UP EVERY SUNDAY TO WATCH A SERMON ON TELEVISION. There, I said it. I know a lot of people - some of whom I’m related to - who find lots of value in these things, but I don’t get it. I don’t get the complete de-emphasis of personal relationships, theology and doctrine, and aesthetics. Also, I think it’s pretty cynical to think you’re going to win the hearts and minds of young people by just wearing a zip-up hoodie when you preach and having a band with loud bass.

My love for Private Practice. Good Sweet Jesus, I wanted to hate this show so badly, just like I wanted to hate its predecessor. But, I loved Grey’s Anatomy, and now, I love this. It’s funny, it’s engaging, it’s sweet without being cloying. Not the best show on television, but I can’t hate anything that starts with someone dancing naked to the Scissor Sisters. CRAAAAAAAAAAP.