Saturday, February 17, 2007 | by nathan

118 - Roy

It’s hard, having feelings for someone who’s positive. I never let anything happen because I was afraid, but was I more fearful of  HIV or heartbreak?

Friday, February 16, 2007 | by nathan

117 - Mya

In Ireland they told us, “If someone has sinned against you, tell them.” Everyone went for Mya. I felt grievously wronged, but decided she’d had enough.

Thursday, February 15, 2007 | by nathan

“There’s No Such Thing as No Regrets, and Baby, That’s Alright.”

Four and a half years ago, I dropped out of Yale Divinity School. This was not a decision I entered into lightly, but at the time I felt as though I had few options. I was failing at least one of my classes, for starters, but this was because of a whole bunch of other stuff that was happening at the time.

The fact is, I was miserable in New Haven almost from the moment I stepped foot in the town. I had moved there with my boyfriend at the time, and our long-standing relationship troubles came to a boil rather quickly, and within two months we were broken up. I was working 25 hours a week at a local bank, and he at a work-study job at his school in Hartford, though his income was really just enough to pay for his gas. We got into debt, and we were both too busy to find new places to live, and so there we found ourselves stuck: living together, not particularly fond of each other, a lot of awkwardness. I found it almost impossible to care about my studies, and my work began to suffer tremendously. It’s not that the classes were that much harder than anything I had done at Wake Forest, it’s just that, every night when I sat down to read, or study, or write a paper, I just DID.NOT.CARE.

Then, I fell through a window, and I threw my hands up and gave up. I took a medial/psychological leave - which expired in January 2005 - and put my apartment up for sublet. Once it was rented, I was gone like a flash. I came home to Oklahoma, because I felt I had nowhere else to go. 

At the end of this month I am sending a fairly large check to pay off the very last of the debt I incurred in New Haven, and after all this time, I feel like that period of my life is truly, finally behind me.

I don’t regret leaving Yale, mainly because regretting it would be completely pointless. I can’t change it. I do think that, more so than at any time in my life, that was a period when I was sorely in need of some kind of outside perspective, and I didn’t get it, because when I am that depressed I turn inward - or, I used to. I’ve learned my lesson.

Today at work I was searching through some other universities’ websites to see if I could find an example of a piece I was trying to write, and I came across Harvard Divinity School. My honors adviser from Wake Forest had offered, after I left Yale, to make the necessary calls and get me in at Harvard Div, but at the time I was so burnt out on school, and clinging desperately to a place where I knew people - home - that I turned him down on the offer. Today, looking at that website, I started to berate myself over this decision.

Which is dumb. I’m happy in my life here. I like where and who I am now, but a fundamental part of who I am is that I fear that someday I will look back and despair that I could have become more than I am. It is actually my greatest fear in life, which is horrible when you’re as lazy as I am. I printed out the Harvard Div application; it’s in my bag. All likelihood: I’ll throw it out. When I told Brian about it he was so gracious, so brave: "If you want to go to Harvard, then to Harvard you shall go. We’ll move to Boston right now."

I love him so much, and I definitely do not deserve him.

So, this is where I need your help, gentle readers. I am making myself a promise. I am not going to think about more school until May, when I will finish my MPW degree and embark on a career as a professional writer (which will probably involve a lot of P.R. work at first, hopefully in the same place I’m in now). Once I find a secure job, I’m going to figure out exactly how long it will take me to pay off my significant student debt from Wake Forest. The other thing I am going to do once my master’s degree is over is give some serious, serious thought and prayer to whether or not I am ready for more school. But not until May, and possibly June, but most likely July.

You get the point.

Help me keep this promise, my wonderful 2-3 readers. Right now I think I might not have a lot of school left in me; another part of me knows that school is all I have ever really done, ever really enjoyed, and something I cannot just write off because of a less-than-wonderful experience at the University of Oklahoma. Right now my instinct is to sit down TONIGHT with all this paperwork and really think this business all the way to death, but I know this would be both counterproductive and unhealthy. Instead, I’m going to think about what to make at this weekend’s family dinner and how to be a better student in my current program, a better husband to Brian, and a better follower of the Spirit. I give myself five minutes, which, for me, is a lot.

Thursday, February 15, 2007 | by nathan

116 - Hillary

My “girlfriend” in fifth grade was the tallest girl in school. I was the shortest boy. That year, we learned that kids enjoy mocking other kids.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 | by nathan

The Internet Is Magic

So yesterday I wrote my usual little blurb about someone I knew from high school. This girl and I got to be close on a random journalism trip to Topeka, Kansas, where I remember we spent a lot of time making fun of the Wizard of Oz. To this day I still tell people that if you click the toes of the ruby slippers together, you go to hell.

I had a bitch of a time writing those 26 words about her, because despite the fact that we were literally in each other’s lives for one semester eleven years ago, we shared as much as two teenagers are really capable of sharing emotionally, including the fact that we both felt like huge outsiders but that this did not bother us most of the time. She was the first person I met who had actual ambitions of getting out of Oklahoma for college AND the brains to actually do it, and she helped me believe I could do it too. We e-mailed a bit and got to visit once just before I went off to Wake, but we lost touch, as people are prone to do.

After I wrote that little blurb I began to wonder where she had gotten herself off to. I used my powers of internet stalking, and I found her - of all places - on MySpace. That damn website is actually good for some shit, and that drives me absolutely crazy, like the time I realized - that song I like? - that’s Justin Timberlake. But I don’t care - I was happy to reconnect with my friend, and all my big-tough-guy talk about getting rid of my MySpace account - over. It might not be cool, but fuck cool - I’d rather keep up with old friends.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 | by nathan

115 - M

The first guy I ever slept with – we would meet up after school – is, ten years later, still just as closeted as last year’s running shoes.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 | by nathan

awwwww, S.A.D.

A realization has begun to dawn the last twelve hours of my life.

I am pissed the hell off at the weather. And the complete and total lack of sunshine, or warmth, and the wind blowing a zillion miles an hour. There’s construction on work-campus, and so there’s red mud everywhere and now my shoes and the cuffs of my pants are dirty. It’s too damn cold to ride my bike anywhere, or to go for walks. Even Sam doesn’t like going outside anymore. It’s absolutely miserable.

I will never complain about 110-degree heat again.

I have noticed a pattern in my life over the past ten years or so; I am always in a really foul mood around Valentine’s Day. One year, the first Valentine’s Day I was ever in a relationship, I left an AIM away message up that said, "Gone to Border’s to study. Fuck Valentine’s Day and fuck you." I knew my boyfriend would see it, but I just left it sitting there. I just wanted to piss everyone off. I’m beginning to wonder if I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m not sure we need a medical term to describe something like that, but I’m pretty sure I have it, because it shows up almost at precisely the same time every year. I feel like I want to punch somebody’s lights out.

I feel the exact same way today. On any given day I love my job, I rather like school this semester, and I really love being at home with Brian and Sam. Last night I yelled at Sam and put him in his room three hours before I went to bed. This morning I’m thinking about starting a fire in my office. I feel more on edge than I have felt in a long time, and I need some damn sunlight, some warmth, some fresh air.

Brian and I are going to Vegas at the end of the month. I hope I make it that long. I am having so much trouble treating myself like a beloved relative today. I’m so sorry.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 | by nathan

114 - Amy E.W.

Taught me it’s okay to be different, the way I was. We had everything in common. She escaped to Swarthmore. I miss her friendship even now.

Monday, February 12, 2007 | by nathan

He Ruined The Whole World

Did anyone else find themselves deeply moved by the Grammys last night? Anyone?

Never mind that great bands like, say, The Flaming Lips weren’t nominated for much - though they did win. I’m used to seeing popularity rewarded over talent at awards shows; it’s why I can’t stand them.

But God, how good was it to see the Dixie Chicks take home the top three awards? It seems like all the crap that has been going on in America is starting to get sorted out, seen through, and washed away a bit. Don’t get me wrong - there are still a couple hundred thousand of our people in Iraq who need to come home as soon as possible - though possibly not right away - but it seems like people aren’t just blindly throwing their support behind Bush anymore, and this makes me feel like I can breathe again.

Perhaps it was that right around the time Sept. 11 happened, my whole life was falling apart, and it kept falling apart as Bush’s numbers grew. As this all happened in my own life, simultaneously it seemed that the entire world had gone completely insane and was supporting someone who clearly was lying to get us into a war, someone whose left eye twitched with glee just at the thought of it. Here and people were going nuts supporting him, and Clear Channel, which has no official ties to the administration, was blacklisting the Dixie Chicks for speaking out against him?

You know it’s bad when Madonna won’t say anything.

Everyone, everywhere, it seemed, had completely lost their minds; it was like being in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I remember watching Bush’s 2004 State of the Union address and just feeling so hopeless that there was nothing left to do but get rotten, stinking drunk, which I did. The 2004 elections left me completely wiped out and feeling like there was never going to be any hope. The Christian fascists, the military-industrial complex and the corporations had conspired to take over America, and they had done it.

I gave serious thought to emigrating.

Instead, I fell in love, and I got my shit together a bit. I went back to school, and got a series of respectable jobs, all of which I loved. We moved into an actual house that was ours, and we gathered our family around us and kept warm. People started seeing through Bush after Katrina; they started to really see that he doesn’t mean the things he says about wanting what’s best for America. He wants what is best for him and his rich friends. The American people gave him a message in November, and in typical Bush fashion he has not listened to it; he recently remarked that he can do whatever the hell he wants, and if he wants to send troops to Iraq, he doesn’t really have to ask Congress’ permission, and he sure as hell doesn’t have to listen when the representatives of the American people pass a resolution stating they disapprove of what he’s doing.

Yeah - well fuck him.

The Chicks stood up to him. And I’m hoping that all this Bush hate-on isn’t just a fad, because the man really is a dumbass, and the people working for him are nutjobs. Does no one else see this? I used to wonder. I used to be so addicted to the energy of hating him, and I clung so tightly to that. Now I have let it go, because I believe that if you turn a cheek eventually the evil man will "out" himself and be revealed. Now, I don’t even really hate him that much. Maybe it’s because I know he only has two more years, or maybe it’s because I don’t hate my life anymore. I don’t want him in office - have no doubt - and I don’t think I want any Republican in office for awhile, if ever. I’m not sure I can trust someone who takes money from Jerry Falwell, or Halliburton, or Clear Channel.

So, go on, Chicks. The new album really is awesome. Maybe light is dawning across America again.  

Monday, February 12, 2007 | by nathan

113 - Leslyn

She represented everything I felt left out of at Wake. I yelled at her to do her dishes, but came to understand, if not adore, her.