Monday, February 19, 2007 | by nathan

someday the wind will take me away

Brian’s grandfather died on Valentine’s Day. He spent Wednesday through Saturday helping prepare for the funeral, which, apparently, was S.R.O.

Today, on my way to work, I was almost killed by a motorist who felt his trip through the parking lot needed to happen at 40 M.P.H. instead of the normal 5-10 us sane motorists like to go. I was on my bike, and when I saw him rushing at me, out of nowhere, I totally jumped ship. I leapt off the bike, rolled on the ground - thankfully, not a scratch on me - then stood up and started cursing him to high heaven. He had the unbelievable gall to honk at me - to HONK.AT.ME. - despite the fact that it was his speedy ass that almost killed me. I reached in my pocket to grab my cell phone, because I was going to call the police, and perhaps he thought I was going for a switchblade, because he pulled out and sped away. Jackass.

Oklahoma City is not completely biker-friendly.

Last month in the mail I got a solicitation from my bank, offering me a great rate on life insurance. I like when things like my credit cards, bank account and life insurance are all in one place, so I decided to do it. So now, if anything unexpected should happen to me, Brian will be receiving a chunk of change; enough to pay off all my student loans, credit cards, and the mortgage, because I figure - hey. If he’s all sad and mourning over me, at least he shouldn’t have to worry about the house payment.

All the things above have got me thinking about death - mine, specifically. Eventually, someday, hopefully far, far in the future, I am going to die. Die! I have been thinking about how the world goes on without me when I’m gone. I was talking about this with someone recently who said she hated it when people said someone "passed." I rather like this term for dying - like you aced your exams, or declined an offer to renew your lease, as Anne Lamott says. Like it was time to move on - to graduate, or to relocate. I like both images.

I am afraid of death in the sense that it is something I have yet to experience, and so on that level it frightens me. On a spiritual level, I don’t fear it, exactly, though I think I might be a little disappointed if it happened now. There’s still a lot of stuff on my to-do list, you see, and I still have a lot to say.

Saturday while Brian was at his grandfather’s funeral I planned to go spend some time at Border’s, grading papers and getting some writing done. When I got there, I could not countenance going inside, and so I turned the car around and left the parking lot. I got on the expressway, and before I knew it I was in western Oklahoma, my absolute favorite place on Earth. Driving on the plains, I feel closer to God than at any other time. The winter wheat is just starting to come in, and soon it will explode with this green like I’ve only ever seen in Oklahoma and Ireland. Several times I pulled over just to stare in complete awe at the hugeness of the sky, the chill of the wind, the sheer beauty of it all.

Then once I got to Watonga, I stopped at Sonic, got a Dr. Pepper, and then hit I-40 and came home, watching the most amazing sunset through my rearview mirror.

If anything happens to me, I want to be cremated, and I want everyone who cares about me to drive out onto the plains. I want you see the incredible beauty God has placed in western Oklahoma. I want you to release me there, the one place on Earth where I feel most at home, both in an Earthly and a Heavenly sense. Then I want you to all go on vacation, somewhere beautiful, with beaches and sunshine and cool drinks, somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, and I want you all to enjoy each other’s company and toast me, and have a really wonderful time. If I know you’re doing all that, then I won’t be afraid to go.