Saturday, December 16, 2006 | by nathan

55 - Rick

I despised my retail manager so much that when he told me his first wife left him for another woman, I could barely contain my laughter.

Friday, December 15, 2006 | by nathan

54 - Louise

My third grade teacher taught me that it’s okay to love writing, reading, and learning. She became my mom’s best friend, a fixture in our lives.

Thursday, December 14, 2006 | by nathan

I Just Washed My Car, Which Means It’s Going To Rain Tomorrow

God dammit. This shit better not be true. Because I sure did just drop some dollas to get this - LAST WEEK. Mac always does this to me - as soon as I drop some major money for something, they turn right back around and come out with something better. Let a bitch enjoy his shit for a week, at least! GAW.

Thursday, December 14, 2006 | by nathan

I’ve Also Never Been A Big Fan of Rollercoasters

A note on my personality:

I really don’t like inconsistent people. You know the type; one minute they’re up, happy, having a great time and wanting to talk. The next minute everything is serious, or sad, or unimportant. The change usually happens when the up, happy talking stops being about them. Some people might use words like "moody," or "manic" when describing these people, and then go on to use words like "lithium" or "GHB" to suggest ways to deal with them.

Me? So far I’m coasting along on my sometimes-supernatural ability to be diplomatic, to laugh when I want to scream, and to smile when I want to yell, "OHMYGODWOULDYOUPLEASESHUTUP?"

And - scene. 

Thursday, December 14, 2006 | by nathan

53 - David

My first gay date ended like so many others would: “I really feel like you might be the one.” Okay, but after three hours? No thanks.

Thursday, December 14, 2006 | by nathan

The One Where My Little Family Totally Astonishes Me

Right now I’m in bed. I just finished writing a screenplay that, next semester, a bunch of beginning student filmmakers will turn into a somewhat-decent movie. It’s a short film; the rough draft of the play is 21 pages long; this translates to roughly 21 minutes of screen time. It’s kind of cool that I’m getting to do this, seeing as how it’s the second screenplay I’ve ever written.

Brian is installing a new sink in our downstairs bathroom, since we have been without one since May. He asked me to meet him at Home Depot to help pick one out, which I did, and then he took me to dinner at Qdoba. He amazes me.

When I got home from work today Sam was chomping at the bit to go out. I’ve had the flu for five days, and today was the first day I felt remotely well enough to walk him, and so I did; perhaps a little further than I should’ve, given the fact that he has heartworms, and the vet said not to let him go too far, or too fast. But it was a beautiful evening - warmer than it has been - and he just seemed so eager. Sam doesn’t know he has worms living in his heart. In.His.Heart. I mean - I ask you.

So after Brian started with the sink I took off to Border’s to finish writing this screenplay. I left when they kicked us all out; personally I thought it was rather sporting of them to let me stay at all, considering I only drank one measly vanilla latte, and I got a discount on that. I came home and Sam was so sweet and angelic that I let him walk around the block again, partially because I just can’t resist his eagerness and sweetness. He really is making a fantastic addition to our little family, so sweet and innocent. The other night we took him to my mom’s house. Erica and Alex came over with their dog, Petey, to whom Sam did not take well. I had to remind everyone that poor Sam has been living on the streets for God knows how long, and has probably become accustomed to growling at other dogs. But there were all these people crowded around, and all this food and excitement and fear, and poor Sam - he just peed right on the carpet in mom’s office.

"Oh, God, Sam, no!" I whispered harshly, not wanting anyone to find out.

He just looked up at me, pee streaming out of him, with this look - he has an incredibly expressive face - this look that said, "I know, I know. I’m so sorry. It just happened. I’m so so so sorry. It’s just - all those people. And that dog is bigger than me. And all these new places. God, and you’ve been so great, and here I go peeing on your mom’s carpet. I’ll understand if you take me to the pound tomorrow."

After I cleaned up the pee I just sat there and loved on him for a few minutes. I think my favorite thing about him is what a ragamuffin he is; he follows me around literally everywhere I go, but he knows better than to go up the stairs into the bedroom, or downstairs into the den. He gets sad and mopey when I call him into the office, because he knows I’m about to leave the house or go to bed. He lets me know when he needs some petting by licking my hands, gently, and he’s pretty voracious about showing me and Brian affection. He’s scared of the dark - he won’t go into a room without lights on - and he seems genuinely grateful to have been rescued.

Me, I’m genuinely grateful to have such a wonderful new addition to the family. Brian and I were pretty awesome before, and now, with Sam, we’re fucking rad.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | by nathan

Really?

We haven’t had a lot of parties at the house, Brian and me. We had three parties last winter that got kind of out of hand. The first was when my friend Summer was in town; I invited a few people over for drinks and dinner, and those people invited people and it became this huge, out-of-control thing, wherein Summer - at that time wearing a C-Collar after a horrible thing with a tree and a car and a bolt of lightning - got kind of ignored, and I felt horrible, because she was the one I wanted to hang out with.

Our Christmas party was fun, if not a bit too crowded and not quite intimate enough. When we threw a going-away party for our friend Bryon, I knew we’d never have another big party at the house again. People invited other people, who invited more other people. There were drugs in my house. People smoked cigarettes on my screened-in back porch. They drank the free liquor and then left to go out to the bars. Some people had sex on the papazan chair on the back porch. Other people hooked up in my bed. IN.MY.BED. How you gonna go to someone’s house that you don’t know, drink up all they free liquor, then GO HAVE SEX IN THEIR BED? Who raised these people? Prostitutes? Britney Spears? SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE. HAVE SOME GODDAMN SENSE.

Finally, at four a.m. or so, I kicked everyone out of the house. "All y’all got to get the fuckout. Go on, get the fuckout."

"We’re drunk. We can’t drive! Let us stay on the couch! We love you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Totally love you!"

"What’s my name?"

A long pause.

"Yeah, get the fuckout."

So we’re having a Christmas party this weekend, and I’ve invited only - relatively - a few people. They are all people about whom I care deeply and whom I see on a more-or-less regular basis. I wanted to keep it small so that I’d get to talk to everyone, and so that I wouldn’t have to put anyone else on the list of People Who Are No Longer Invited To Our House. 

If you didn’t get an invitation, please don’t be offended; it’s probably not going to be that great of a party anyway.* I just wanted to keep it very small, and I really, really didn’t want anyone to have to be out there driving after I kicked them the fuckout of my house. It’s not that I think you’re that type, or that you’d bring all kinds of people who were on The List. I just wanted SMALL.

*To the people coming to the party: I just said that so they wouldn’t feel bad. It’s totally going to rock, and if you haven’t RSVPed yet, you definitely should, because we’re going to have a lot of fun. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | by nathan

52 - Keith

“Irish” was literally his last name. Lent us his Playstation. Came to our house in Waterford everyday. Piercings, Caffreys, unabashed friendliness. He is Ireland to me.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 | by nathan

51 - Stephen

My cousin married this great guy, whose son ended up in my broadcasting class. They’re exactly the kind of people our extended family needs to be.

Monday, December 11, 2006 | by nathan

Freedom Flu

Today was, for all intents and purposes, the last day of the worst semester of my entire life. When I was 22 and a big ol’ pussy, I dropped out of Yale in the middle of a semester that was, in many ways, easier than this one. Okay, yes, at the time I had just discovered pot, and I was living in very, very close quarters with a guy who had broken my heart into a million tiny little pieces, and then used the pieces to create a mosaic of Celine Dion’s face.

But this semester I have felt, every Monday and Wednesday, that I was going to have a panic attack upon waking every morning. So there’s that.

Well - now it’s all over. And what do I have? I have the flu. The motherfucking flu.

I’m not sure it’s the flu; but I do know that last Thursday I got my very first flu shot, and since Friday precisely at noon I have felt like hammered horse crap. But you know what? As shitty as I feel, however, I could not be happier that my time working for the world’s biggest douche bag is over.