Saturday, October 14, 2006 | by nathan

Fair Warning (Jingle Bells)

So I’ve started planning a Christmas party. You’re invited.

Last week at Target I bought a set of skull bobble-head lights to start decorating the house for Halloween. I think I’m going to spend a fair bit of today trying to find a costume. This holiday season is going to be the best ever for everyone. Do you understand me? If I have anything to do with it, and if you know me, you’re going to be so goddamn fucking merry that you won’t fricking know what to do with yourself. You got that?

The kicker: we’re giving presents that are not over-the-top or bank-breaking, and we’re not asking one another beforehand what we want and then going out and getting that exact thing. We’re going to surprise each other with unassuming presents so as not to be stressed out. Got it? We’re going to sit together, watch "24 Hours of A Christmas Story" on TNT and football, and we are goddamn well going to give thanks for one another’s company and love. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I am going to be annoyingly cheery. I am going to be baking like a busted Stepford Wife, and you are not going to whinge about your diet and how the holidays stress you out. You are going to come to my party and drink white hot chocolate and eat cookies and enjoy yourself. It’s going to be the best Christmas ever, because I decided today that life is just too damn short for everyone to stress about the holidays. We’re going to enjoy them, okay? And if that means not getting presents, fine - that’s just not what it’s about.

So put your fricking jingle bells on standby, kids, because I am not going to warn you again: I AM GOING TO BE UNBEARABLY JOLLY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON AND YOU HAD BETTER BE, TOO.

‘Kay? Kay. Glad we got that all straightened up. Now, excuse me: I have to go see if that Wonder Woman costume at Target will fit me.