Tuesday, July 18, 2006 | by nathan

The Sets Were Virtually Identical

So it’s hot, right? Effing HOT. The high today was 108; in Calumet they recorded 116. Yeah, global warming is a myth, and we should all go out and buy Hummers.

So we sat in tonight, made beer and pastrami sandwiches, and watched television. Two episodes of Veronica Mars - yeah. And then - in a fit of boredom that might have killed a tree sloth - turned on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Where we saw….this:

(P.S., "Praise The Lord" is a lot more fun when you mute it and make up your own dialogue).

She’s coming for YOUR children if she doesn’t get a contribution in the next fifteen minutes. She actually needs a bigger cross around her neck. This one won’t ward off all the vampires that are after her at this point.

"When you’re down there you reach up and you twist the tit. Just twist it, just a little; she’ll love it." 

Where are they? Liberace’s living room? Barbara Mandrell’s foyer? And what’s up with Jesus being behind bars back there?

"You should see my new baby." No, that’s really what’s she’s saying there. Jesus gave her offspring and bleachy-white teeth.

I know her. She won the drag queen pageant last year because SHE IS A MAN. MAN!! And what’s with the outfit? Is she going to direct traffic later? Is it deer season?

So after PTL was Benny Hinn. Aaah, Benny Hinn, who was banned from Oklahoma City for over a decade because a 90-something year old woman he "healed" on stage promptly got up, tried to walk away, fell, and broke her neck. He made a triumphal reentry to OKC last year. 

"People of Argentina…"

Ummm, Benny - I think you puked all down your shirt there. And you’ve got a little something on your lip, just… yeah, I’m sure it’s just milk. Powdered…milk. White, powdery, Colombian milk.

After awhile we just couldn’t deal with it anymore, and so we switched over to something only a little less weird, and a whole lot less gay: Pee-Wee’s Playhouse on Adult Swim. I never realized it, but all those years of watching this show as a first-grader - it made me really crave my dad’s pancakes (which he used to make for us every Saturday morning) and twenty years later it made me see everything in a whole new light where Mr. Herman is concerned. Let’s look at the evidence:

Dude, Jomby’s about to seriously get it. Right in the face he’s gonna get it. And he’s ready; look at that beatific smile shining out from that bejeweled box where he lives. Mekka-Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho indeed, Jomby.

After Pee-Wee connects the dots (la la la la la!) he uses his new dot-sleigh to head to the North Pole, where he finds Santa standing on a street corner like a common hooker giving the "gay wave." "Hey girl! What choo want for Christmas?" 

Okay, and then Pee-Wee plays pretend and goes off for a claymation trip in space, where he runs into…this… 

If this doesn’t speak for himself then I am Maya Angelou.

Then Tito the Pool Boy comes over…

"Tito the Pool Boy thinks that this time, I’m going to use a condom. Tito the Pool Boy doesn’t realize that I can have INS here in five seconds flat if he doesn’t let me bareback."

Tito’s salivating for it anyway, Pee-Wee. Just go for it. 

And notice that the show is TV-PG. It was pretty racy for Saturday morning.  

Still, much more comforting and theologically sound than Praise The Lord.  

Sweeeet, Idiot Box