Monday, July 17, 2006 | by nathan

Maybe Calvin Is Allergic To Texas…

Dallas was fantastic. And dramatic. It was the most fun disaster I have ever been a part of.

Highlights and Lowlights:

At dinner, when I won the contest of "Who Knows Erica the Best" and one of the bridesmaids got angry with me.

Dropping my phone into a bag of beer cans, where it was promptly killed. 

Smashing out my tail light at the hotel while trying to chase Sara’s car to the karaoke bar.

Anna Nicole Smith’s cousin hooking at the gas station across the highway.

Chipotle. Chipotle. Chipotle.

I got to ride with the three coolest people on the trip: Anitra, Chambers, and Laurie. You wanna talk some fun car conversations.

Anitra singing Tears for Fears at the karaoke bar and making Erica cry, and mine and Erica’s rousing performance of "Love Shack." To quote Erica: "I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun singing that song." Amen, Bridey.

Sneaking Erica into the boys’ bathroom to steal a roll of toilet paper.

Having to leave the karaoke bar very, very suddenly because - well, because I’m not sure why except some people were dead set on not being there anymore.

The rousing conversation I had with Sara Gowdy at the second bar, wherein she became my new hero. Never has there been a Maid of Honor quite like her - she drove down to Dallas awhile back by herself to plan all the logistics of this trip. She kept everything together this weekend in spite of losing her wallet at the bar, and she handled all the dramarama like a pro, and with class. 

Chambers rubbing his junk on Laurie, who shoved him out into the hallway wearing nothing but my "Vaginas Unite" T-shirt, where he was promptly shamed by an elderly black woman.

There’s more, of course - suffice it to say that despite the fact that things kept going wrong, it was an absolute blast. On the way back from Dallas, however, my car seriously overheated. We had stopped for a few minutes at the Braum’s in Ardmore, Oklahoma, and as we were leaving I noticed that my heat gauge was in the red. I have been having radiator problems for over a year, and so I have learned something about getting back on the road again - wait for it to cool down, pour some water up in it, then head on out. Ooookay. So because I had been walking around with Bulky Camera all weekend and shot no pictures, I whipped it out to handle the ennui.

This plant looks like it’s sneaking up on Bryon and Anitra.

It’s not an anything room. Not anymore.

Oh yeah. Laurie’s having fun. Mondo.

Well, Chambers, this is what happens when you spend a whole weekend opening beers with your fingers.

I had to use my Vaginas Unite shirt to unscrew the radiator cap, and it got water and antifreeze all over it. Aww, I’m sad. I had to hang out with fifty lesbians for six weeks to get that shirt.

Yeah, Braum’s sells this. Yum. "Hey kids! Put on yer Sundy best! Wur makin’ meatloaf in the radar range!"

Okay, it’s a fast-food ice cream and dairy store. Not the CIA. Communications may be monitored and recorded? Activities may be recorded on tape? What the hell?

Okay, so we finally got back on the road. After we got off the interstate the car started to heat up; I made it to Chambers’ house just as the car started to overheat again. And so - more waiting. And the best part was that, because Chambers packed in such a rush, he had no keys, and no way to get into the house until his sister came to get him. I called Brian and he and Jaye came to work on the car. In the meantime, we waited in the hundred-degree Oklahoma mugginess:

Not sure what happened here, but apparently Chambers’ incessant poking at my car’s engine with a stick accomplished something funny.

God, it was hot out there. Good thing we had beers in a cooler in the back. My poor car - look at little Calvin with his hood up all sad-like.

You know you’re suffering from heatstroke when you start taking pictures of people’s trash cans.

I think it’s safe to say that Anitra was ready to get home to Stillwater - here and she still had another hour to drive. And let me just reiterate how effing hot it was out there.

Anyhow, Brian and Jaye showed up to save the day. I drove Anitra back to the Beans’ house in Brian’s car, came back to pick up Laurie while Jaye and Bri took my car home, and finally - the trip was over. It was an exhausting, trying wonderful weekend, and when it was over, I said, "I don’t think I have ever been so excited to see this house in all my life."

I’m home, I’m grateful I have Mondays off, and I’m thanking Jesus that when my car did overheat, it did it in safe places, and that I was with people I love and admire for their patience, friendship and fortitude.

One of those friends is getting married soon. Good luck, Erica. I look forward to making more memories when we’re both married old bitties. 

Fambly, On The Road