Monday, February 20, 2006 | by nathan

struggling with winter

The weather has been miserable for weeks now, but this weekend it took on a new kind of bad. This is the time of year that is incredibly depressing to me, because I find that I am unable to stay well physically, as the dry, cold air wreaks havoc on my incredibly sensitive sinuses and allergies. As a result of this I am unable to get the exercise I need, now more desperately than ever, and I spend a lot of time shut up in the house. Also, the added stress of trying to drive on ice is never good.

Still, things seem to be going rather well. I spent my drive to work this morning listening to a sermon by my pastor, Dr. Robin Meyers, in the car. The sermon was called “The Humility of Radical Freedom” and you can listen to it here in MP3 format.

an excerpt:
“The shape of the Christian faith is cruciform. What we wear around our necks, if we wear a cross, is actually a symbol of torture….but if torture is the ultimate example of the use of fear to control others, then what would you call a person who was…radically free enough to go to death rather than take back the truth of his own life?”

I have been thinking about this a lot today; what does radical freedom look like? Dr. Meyers says it means, for one thing, that you have nothing left to prove. I struggle with that a lot, as I feel in some part of me that I have to prove myself to everyone I meet, especially to people who matter. I have to prove that I am good, and worthwhile, and ever so smart. Left to its own devices, my brain will spend hours having conversations with people who are not actually there; exes, former friends, people who have doubted me or not been kind. I spent a great deal of this morning praying that I may learn what it means to be free enough to know that I have nothing to prove, because I am Loved.

Yeah, we’re still working on that. Occasionally I worry that eventually the authorities will come knocking on my door, telling me that the jig is up, and that I will have to come with them, as I have been assigned my Truest Life, which is, obviously, as a night manager at Burger King, that I am not remotely well enough to try to contribute to the culture, and, by the way, that I will have to start being heterosexual, as I am not nearly cool or witty enough to pull off the whole homosexual thing.

Then I think about some of the homosexuals I know, and I believe that when the Authorities show up, they will at least have some of them in their clutches before they come for me.

Which is also bad, as I want to be free enough to not have to find my identity by comparing myself to others.

I can’t wait till it gets warmer.