Tuesday, February 28, 2006 | by nathan

The Car I Want To Be In

So last night I came down with a severe case of Coldplay tickets. Or, that’s what I told everyone as to why I wasn’t going to class. Brian got us this as a Christmas present, so last night we rushed home after work, changed and showered, and headed to Cafe Nova for dinner.

Let me just say, that place: Yeah, awesome. Great atmosphere, genius bartender (let’s hear it for the best mojito in town), and amazing food by Ian Wagner, the chef. Potato-encrusted salmon with cucumber salad and arrugula. Our appetizer was creatively named “Crispy Things With Interesting Sauces” and for desert, well…all I really remember clearly is lots of chocolate and a raspberry or two.

The concert was amazing. I love the Ford Center, the new-ish arena in Oklahoma City, because unlike our previous concert arenas, it was designed mostly for concerts. The Cox Center is a convention center, and Lloyd Noble is a basketball arena, and yes, the Hornets play at Ford, but the sound was amazing. Opening act Fiona Apple pretty much dazzled, though we spent most of that time with the people around us trying to figure out where the hell they were sitting, as it was nearly impossible to find our seats with the lights on, much less in the dark. She sounded good and was gracious. The sound was good enough that you could tell without even watching that she is a talented rock pianist, and interestingly, her band had no guitarist, just three keyboards, percussion, and a bass. The sound was fantastic, though.

So Coldplay takes the stage - holy crap. First off, major props to their lighting designers, who clearly had a sizeable budget and some off-the-wall creativity, because the lighting was incredible. Sound was great, of course, and the performance was off the chain. It never ceases to amaze me how much more respect you can get for a band upon hearing them live. I have always really, really liked Coldplay. I remember when “Yellow” came out and I was in Ireland, and Paul Swenson kept saying “that is a beautiful song.” But this took my admiration to a new level. Possibly a form of worship. Easily the best concert I’ve been to since U2.

Two really cool moments during the show. During the second encore, “In My Place,” Chris Martin disappeared for a second. All of a sudden everyone around me is looking behind us, to the back of the arena, where we were, and whoop! There’s fucking Chris Martin, not fifteen feet away from us, singing up in the face of all the people in the back of the room. That was friggin’ awesome.

The other moment, probably my favorite, came earlier, when he mentioned that he was a big fan of the Flaming Lips, who live and are based here in OKC. He said that the band had spent the day with Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne, driving around Oklahoma City in his pickup truck, seeing the city, the places where the Lips first played, all the sights. On the way home I could not get that image out of my head: Coldplay and Wayne Coyne together in one car, driving around my town. I said to Brian, “That’s the car I want to be in.” I am deeply, deeply curious as to what sights Wayne showed them, what they talked about, what parts of Oklahoma City they saw, or liked, or hated, or were confused by.

Anyway, a good night. I’m still pretty wiped from the show, and I have class tonight, or, barring that, I may just go see Dr. Kimball, the head of the religion department at Wake Forest, who is speaking in the OU Student Union this evening. Watch him not have a clue who I am.

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Sunday, February 26, 2006 | by nathan

Family Dinner

Another successful family dinner.

I got to mom’s late because I was having a bitch of a time getting myself together - losing my wallet and such. But when I got there it was just mom and Laurie, who were getting started on a bottle of Fat Bastard Chardonnay. My wine of choice: Red Truck Chardonnay, which is a wonderful wine - you should try it. That recommendation comes courtesy of Ty, the wine guy at Byron’s Liquor Warehouse.

Mom went all out with dinner. She had found this recipe for a kind of sweet chicken salad in "Food and Wine" magazine, which she had the brilliant idea of wrapping in a pastry to make a kind of pie. It was delicious. Alongside that was asparagus soup and a chocolate pudding pastry with strawberries on top, and iced tea. I mean, I ask you: do I have the best mom ever?

It was delicious; I’m glad I went first in making family dinner, because there is no way to follow this. Good luck to John and Crystal, though.

We watched Drop Dead Gorgeous, which I knew mom would love. General revelry ensued. John and Crystal bought a record player at the thrift store yesterday which they brought over, and mom busted out her box of old 33’s. I almost gave birth when I realized she had an original vinyl copy of Tapestry by Carole King, and was very, very disappointed when we realized that the new $5 record player had no needle. But mom let me have the record, and I almost peed my pants out of love for her. 

Jaye missed out because he had to study but we made a plate for him. Lately I am very, very in love with my family. My half-sister Valerie is coming down next weekend and I am looking forward to taking her and Tom out to lunch and showing them my house. They bought us a $50 Pier One gift card for Christmas, so they are getting the VIP tour.

Tomorrow night is Coldplay in concert, and Brian and I are having dinner at Cafe Nova, which I hope you will all get to see for yourselves soon. But we are still working on that. 

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Saturday, February 25, 2006 | by nathan

I Am A Good Friend to the Metropolitan Library System…

Just got up from a nap-esque type activity. Brian and I made our way down to the State Fairgrounds for the Friends of the Metropolitan Library System Book Sale, where I spent $20 on the following:

CDs ($1/per):

Shawn Colvin, "Whole New You"

Annie Lennox, "Medusa"

Verdi, 2-CD set of highlights from "La Traviata" and "Otello"

Indigo Girls, "Come On Now Social"

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, "Hearts of Oak"

Mary Chapin Carpenter, "State of the Heart"

Puccini, 2-CD set of an old 1950’s recording of "La Boheme" 

VINYL ($1/per):

Ravel, The Complete Orchestral Works by the Paris Conservatoire Orchestra (vol. 2)

Tchaikovsky: Concerto No. 1 in B Flat Minor, Op. 23 and Weber’s Konzertstuck in F minor, Op. 79 played by Claudio Arrau

Mozart Arias performed by Anna Moffo

Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor, Op. 18, performed by Eugene Istomin, piano, with The Philadelphia Orchestra with Eugene Ormandy, conductor.  

"How To Study and Why" by Bernice McCullar, M.A., Director of Information for the Georgia State Department of Education (c) 1964

BOOKS ($1 hardback, $.50 paperback): 

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time To Go Home by Erma Bombeck

The 1980’s: Countdown to Armageddon by Hal Lindsey (should be funny)

The Dissent of the Governed by Stephen Carter

The Culture of Disbelief by Stephen Carter

The Gay and Lesbian Liberation Movement by Margaret Cruikshank

Morning Sun on a White Piano by Dr. Robin R. Meyers (my pastor)

Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton (saw the movie the other day, thought about reading the book again, thirteen years after I read it the last time).

MAGAZINES ($.25/per):

National Geographic from August 1952 (for my mom - that’s when she was born) and from June, 1960, for my dad, because when I was a kid he had this giant collection of National Geographics from way, way back, because he has subscribed to it for forever, and they were in the basement, which flooded one year and destroyed them all. So I got him one. More symbolic than anything, but I just felt like doing it.

Life magazine from June 1996 featuring a story on conjoined twins.

This is one of my favorite events every year. I volunteered at it for two years in a row in high school and remember having a whole lot of fun. As a writer I am weary of buying secondhand books, as the authors do not get any royalties from secondhand sales. (Incidentally, I had ordered Dr. Meyers’ book not two days ago, and Brian keeps telling me to cancel the order, but I just can’t. I’m just going to give that copy to someone).  But as someone who loves to read as much as I do I just cannot pass up the opportunity for such cheap books - and the CDs! All good stuff that I was excited to find, much of it in the original packaging, brand new. I was most excited about the recording of "La Boheme," which I love, and the vinyl of Mozart arias. Looking forward to giving those a good, long listen.

Was hoping to get some cookbooks, but those were either picked clean or absent. Ah, well. 

Tonight’s family dinner at mom’s; I actually need to start getting ready here in a minute. Laurie’s coming, which will be great, and I’m bringing the wine, and a movie. But which movie? I need to think about that for a little bit. Everybody enjoy your weekend.

Skew-wul, Oklahoma Comments (1)

Friday, February 24, 2006 | by nathan

Shouldn’t You Be…

…at the Gazette? Why yes, yes I should, but I woke up this morning when Brian left, and I had a very, very chewy thought in my head, and every time I try to get up and get in the shower, it gets chewier.

This post, too, has its origins in Jon Warren, because, well, I am too busy to have my own thoughts, it seems. No, that’s not true, but the guy does always give me a lot to think/pray about, like right here, where he is discussing this idea of the church being guided and run by the overarching principle of "cultural relevance," or treating congregants like customers - basically running churches like businesses.

 And I got to thinking about that this morning, literally the second I was awake enough to have thoughts. I realized how fundamentally American the whole idea was, really, in the sense that we are a very results-oriented culture. We have a free market capitalistic system, and in the name of "soul-winning" (I assume) many of our churches have taken on this "bigger is better," McDonalds-esque business model, where you get people in, meet their "needs," and get them back out (and, one assumes, onto the golf course) as quickly as possible.

[God, I hate Edmond so much].

Anyway, I got to thinking that, as twisted as this is, in some way, people must be responding to it, because there are megachurches, and they do seem to be growing. So I wondered why people respond to it, and suddenly it hit me: it’s the whole Bible Bar thing all over again.

See, Americans - people in the wealthy West in general, but especially us - are taught from a very young age how very entitled we are. How deserving. If we are paying money for something then we deserve to have it be exactly what we want, and exactly how we want it. But bookmark that for a second.

Yesterday I spoke about how we like to slap parameters on everything so that we can easily define things that are, by nature, not easily defined. We do this so that we feel that we have control; we can say we are beautiful if our bodies conform to what amounts to a set of numbers. We can attach truth-claims to what we say if it can be proven in terms of the scientific method. In each of these cases there is much, much more to beauty and truth than these simple defining boundaries.

I think we do the same thing to our lives of faith. It’s called legalism, and it is absolutely addictive. There is a whole culture built around it. The same culture that has built megachurches and runs them like businesses, I think, has attached a wholly ridiculous set of parameters to defining the Christian life, and I think that they have some pretty scary consequences. If you are Christian you vote Republican, you are against stem-cells, and Harry Potter, and you are against whatever new things we all get together and decide to be against.

There was a joke once on the Simpsons: "Oh, Neddy doesn’t believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling."

We joke, but I’ve been in churches where it is more or less like that. "Only listening to Christian music will bring  you closer to God." "I just feel more comfortable voting for someone who’s a believer."

Yeah, our senator, Tom Coburn is a believer. Also, he is a nut job who advocates executing women who have abortions. Is this what Christlike love looks like in our world now? There is a church in Edmond that has this gigantic Christian bookstore - probably the biggest I have ever seen - right inside its front door. Books like Your Best Life Now tell us steps - steps - to how to be closer to God, like God is a Panasonic TV and all we need to do is figure out how to read the directions. It’s "Bible Bar" all over again.

Of course our churches are run like businesses when we approach our relationships with God the way we approach weight-loss. Get as much result, as quickly as possible. Figure out which new foods to avoid, which exercises to do, to get the most result for the least effort. It doesn’t take a lot of faith to have a list of things you are against. What it does take a lot of faith - more than I have almost all the time - to do is to love your God with all your heart, love your neighbor as yourself, and to try not to kill anyone, just for today. (This last one can be really trying for me, at times).

But we are Americans, and we believe in our American dream, and it is a mythology to which we cling so desperately that it has been woven into our religious observance, so that now holiness, righteousness, and love are achieved by hard work, discipline, and a mixture of all the right "products," in this case, the intake and rigorous application of the "correct" religious message. And how do you know it’s correct? The same way you know anything is good in our results-oriented culture: it’s the place where the most people are.

 We want to be able to measure how much God we have in our lives, because we want control over this relationship we have with Him. You can always count how many people you witnessed to, how many Jesus fish are on your car or how many TV shows you don’t let your kids watch. What you cannot count is grace, and Americans, we love to count things. We love to measure success, but if Jesus was about anything, it was that where God is concerned, there is no such thing.

 The more I think about the t-shirts that the Warrens came up with, the more I want the one that says "Christians for irrelevance."

 I do not think that the church as she is conceived in Scripture owes much to the culture in the sense of conforming to it for the sake of - comfort? Broad appeal? I am assuming these are the reasons for churches becoming so business-model oriented. I am sure that it all began in very well-meaning terms, too - they wanted to bring the Gospel to as many people as possible. But again, I am pretty sure that an American business model is not how that was intended to happen. And I am positive that we are not meant to think of our relationship with God in terms of "success" like it is weight-loss or wealth-building, although if you stroll the aisles of any Christian bookstore you will see a lot of "biblical" perspectives on both of those subjects.

We cannot measure success in Christ because we cannot be more loved than we are right now. We can’t earn, deserve, buy, date, own, order, marry, vote for, protest with, exercise to, dress for, invest in, drive, drink, listen to, or self-improve ourselves into the love of God. Through Christ we are as "there" as we are going to get - the question is, "How do we then live?" The words of my pastor come to mind - "radically free." "A life free from striving," he said. I like that.

My question, Jon, isn’t so much how to engage the larger culture, as it is how to engage the culture of the church, with whom I tend to have more of a problem. I can see America, the west, and the world believing what it does without Jesus. It’s the people who invoke His name, and then go around acting like everyone else, or sometimes even worse, that stresses me out the most.  

Margaret Cho, just before the 2004 election, was talking about a lot of the hateful rhetoric coming from the religious right, and she said, "They’re taking it to a whole new level. Even Satanists are like, ‘Wow, you guys are being really mean.’"

Last week I read a column on Worldview Weekend (remember the World View Test?) and this guy was saying some of the meanest things about liberals. Just unnecessarily mean. I sent him an email that was like, "It’s wonderful that you have these tiny little opinions, but remember how Jesus said to love your enemies? Well, I’m not sure that using phrases like ‘liberal minded pansies’ or ‘the old dinosaurs of the Dumb-o-cratic party’ are very loving."

But, I may be the tiniest bit angry, and I really, really should be at the Gazette. So I’ll leave you with that. 

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Thursday, February 23, 2006 | by nathan

That Fox is on Fire!

     My dear and beloved friend Jon Warren wrote an upsetting, yet absolutely necessary and intrepid, blog post today over at Speculations and Such, which he and his wife, Tish, write. It is all about things I struggle with, yet about which Jon is much, much more articulate. What does cultural conscience look like? What would it mean for artists, and more importantly, the people selling culture to us, to do what they do with an eye to heightening cultural dialogue?

     I absolutely do not believe in censorship, because I do not believe that it is a power that can ever be weilded responsibly by the people in power. It never has been, and I see no reason to believe it ever would be. Think about what our country would be like if Bush had the ability to censor people like me, and Jon, and Maureen Dowd, and Frank Rich. Not that he hasn’t tried (Valerie Plame, anyone?) When you grant this power to people, no matter their worldview or ideology, they will use it to their selfish advantage. A world with free speech will not be perfect, but a world without it would be much, much worse.

     On the other hand, I have to say that more than ever, our culture discourages me. On some level it always has, because I think that you cannot believe in God and accept almost any of the underlying assumptions that our culture makes, for example, that you are fundamentally defined by things like success, beauty, and what you own, and that your entire identity rests in these parameters. [Incidentally, have you heard the song "Stupid Girls?" It’s stuck in my head as I write this, and the video cracks me up].

     So I find myself wondering what it would look like for our culture’s underlying assumptions to change. I am honestly, honestly not sure. I tend to think that dogmatism is a universal human problem, so that if we were able to name the assumptions and priorities to which we want to migrate culturally, they, too would become warped, because that seems to be human nature. Rather than walking with the Spirit to learn what love and truth and wisdom are, we like to make one specific picture of what we should all be. I am in no way advocating moral relativism here; quite the contrary, I believe that there are things which are absolutely wrong. I see no reason why our culture needs, as Jon discusses, rap artists advocating violence against women (Eminem?). I do not know why having Paris Hilton is a good thing. At all. I am convinced that she is a sign of the End Times, if I believed in that sort of an eschatology. Which I don’t, exactly.

     Anyway. What I am saying is that we tend to reduce wonderful things - love, beauty, truth, wisdom - down to a set of parameters. A beautiful girl is blonde, blue-eyed, and has meausrements equalling 36-24-36 (only if she’s 5′3"). Loving someone means flowers and candy and googly eyes. Truth is only what you can prove scientifically. You see the trouble with that? Every one of these things leaves out a whole, whole bunch. This is why we need artists; to expand our definitions. I’m just not sure how the things I mentioned above (Eminem and Paris Hilton) figure into that. I am not sure how the people selling Eminem and Paris Hilton to us can sleep at night or look themselves in the mirror, much less how these two people do it.

     So I find myself wondering how our culture can be better without dogmatism. I am lost as to how, as well, Jonathan. Seriously, you guys should read his post. It is much, much more articulate than this.

     In other news, I finally downloaded Firefox, because Brian said it was the moral equivalent of giving Da Man a big, swift kick in his tiny little testes. Take that, Da Man.
 

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006 | by nathan

When The Bad Thing Happens

Believe it or not I don’t blog about everything. If you are reading this blog, chances are you are someone about whom I care deeply, because I do not hold out the pretension that total strangers (or the growing number of people who do not like me) are wrapped up in what happens in my life.

Still, I do understand that blogs are public forums, and as such, the information contained in them is public information. (see here re: the whole "Nathan plagarized the idea I made up but which is every damn place in popular culture" debacle). Chances are if you are someone I would consider family (that’s right, I said it again) that you hear about the things that are going on in my life in a way that this blog does not convey, as you know a more fully realized version of me than I am able to convey in this half-hearted way I have on the Internet.

Confused yet? Understandable, as I have not said very much.

When I was a kid and bad things would happen to the people I loved, I would secretly fear it was because of what bad people we were. It was because we had pissed God off, or that He was mean, and because  He did not have our best interests at heart. I believed this because a lot of religion has become superstition, and in middle America superstition and morality get all wrapped up together, and being raised in the Church of Christ, well…

I went to bed last night and a bad thing was happening, and I didn’t even know it. I woke up this morning and for a little bit the world might have been ending, until I realized that the bad things have happened before, and we all got through it by clinging tightly together. And we all lived through today, and we’re fine, thank you, not great but working on it, and I am going to go home at 7:30 p.m. and cling tightly to the man I love.

The moral is that God isn’t mean. But sometimes we are - to each other, and to ourselves.

Case in point. There is a guy in the lab who is being really obnoxious, and I kinda want to hit him. Am I going to? Maybe. But I’m going to try not to. I’m going to pray for patience and forbearance, because I am obnoxious too, because I get the sense the people often want to hit me. So I’m going to try not to hit him, just for today. If he’s in here tomorrow, he’s probably going to get it. But for today, I’m going to try.

It snowed here, and was foggy for several days, and there was a smell in the air of something like Ireland, like something I haven’t inhaled in the five and a half years since I got back from Greystones. Soon the winter wheat will start coming in, and the entire landscape of western Oklahoma will be a shade of green so vibrant that you think your limited human irises might not be getting it all, like they are going to burst with it. I need to get new tires on my car so I can go for a day-long drive into the plains.

Life is meant for things like that. Wanna come with?

All your better philosophers would say that we imbue the world with meaning, that it has none on its own. I’m not sure that the bad thing always means something, in that whole "God is angry" way, or that whole "this happened so that…" way either. I think it happens, and that we get to react to it. Because I believe that life is fundamentally about hoping in the good, clinging tightly to the people we love, and taking tender care of one another, I’m going to spend the next little bit doing some incredibly clumsy, awkward, and very intense good hoping-in, tight clinging, and tender care-taking.

Also, I am going to get some good sleep, and hot baths, and warm tea, because it is still cold outside, baby.

It snowed here, and was foggy for several days, and the air is clear now, and I can breathe, and am not sick, which is a Miracle. Capital M. I worked out the past two days but ate horribly - all McDonald’s and Thai food, which was wonderful. Family Dinner is this Saturday at mom’s house, and I need to invite Laurie and Jaye, and Brett, and Erica and Alex, because I think that there are few things more awesome - and I mean that in the fearful Greek/Biblical sense - than a family (mine especially) huddled together over food. 

In other news, everyone be sure to read Speculations and Such today. Good, good stuff. 

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 | by nathan

Some New Residents

Okay City added a few new residents tonight. Brian helped me work out some of the design kinks on the template, and I made up my mind about a few new features that will be premiering in the next few days. One of these is linked to the right, over there. It’s called "The Sounds," and it’s a roundup of the music I’m digging for a certain week. The ones that stick around like classics will remain up, linked to their place on Amazon. I’m going to be doing this with a few other things pretty soon because I enjoy introducing people to new forms of culture. If you decide to order anything, click those links. I get a cut! Also, I updated the "About" page, and I hope to get some photos going soon. My computer’s headed for sleep mode if I don’t plug her in, so I will bid you goodnight here.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 | by nathan

Sometimes The Process Is This

For my Novel class we had to review a bestselling work of fiction from the past year(ish). I chose Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, as it is one of my favorite novels, but almost unbearable to read, because it is such a perfect picture of what grief looks like.

So I was reading the book last night, and then I had to go - of all places - to Humor Writing. Prof. Marlette is cool in that he doesn’t so much teach us how to be funny, but to mean what we say, which is the crux of good humor. You have to buy into what you are saying. Alyson Hannigan is great at this, which is the only reason Date Movie didn’t entirely suck.

So between all the grief in Foer’s story, and all this talk about really, completely believing everything you write, I was a little awash. I wrote this in my notes/journal:

“I think the biggest question I ask myself is, ‘How do we even bear being alive?’ Between all the heart-rending sadness, and all the moments of soul-nourishing grace, and all the boredom and worry and hilarity in between, how does it happen that our souls even stay in one piece?”

It’s a little overwrought, I grant you, but there it is. If you’ve read Foer’s book maybe you get why all the big emotion. I cried a lot as I finished it this morning; luckily I was in the bathtub.

Anyhow, when I got out and dried off, I went upstairs to get dressed, because I knew I really needed to get to the Gazette. But something suddenly hit me: another note I had made myself about really believing everything. Not in a religious or philosophical sense, so much as just in a sense of - when I write something, am I rattling off words, or is there a point beyond, “I’m a writer, this is what I do?”

Then I went to put in my contacts, and I was staring down at them, and at myself in the mirror, and thinking about how I had bought these contacts in 2003, just after I moved home from Connecticut, and how I wished to God, right then, that I could travel back in time three years to the moment I bought them, even if just for a moment, so that I could tell my 2003-self that it was going to turn out more or less Okay, that all the panicky sadness and crazy fear and unbearable boredom would pass, and I would not, in fact, spend the rest of my life fighting off the urge to shoot up a post office or just be drunk forever.

I wrote about all the things I would say to all my past-selves, all these people I carry within me, whose voices I can still hear sometimes. And I went ahead and let myself feel all of that grief, just as fresh as if it was new, and to write honestly about it.

This is why I do what I do. You’ll get to read the piece; I’m adding it to a queue of columns that will be coming out as soon as I get a new photo, which will happen when Eric Riddle updates his effing site. But no rush, friend.

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Monday, February 20, 2006 | by nathan

Another One?!?!

How You Live Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren’t attainable.
How Do You Live Your Life?
You Are Barney

You could have been an intellectual leader…

Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer

You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps

Your life philosophy: “There’s nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem.”

The Simpsons Personality Test

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Monday, February 20, 2006 | by nathan

struggling with winter

The weather has been miserable for weeks now, but this weekend it took on a new kind of bad. This is the time of year that is incredibly depressing to me, because I find that I am unable to stay well physically, as the dry, cold air wreaks havoc on my incredibly sensitive sinuses and allergies. As a result of this I am unable to get the exercise I need, now more desperately than ever, and I spend a lot of time shut up in the house. Also, the added stress of trying to drive on ice is never good.

Still, things seem to be going rather well. I spent my drive to work this morning listening to a sermon by my pastor, Dr. Robin Meyers, in the car. The sermon was called “The Humility of Radical Freedom” and you can listen to it here in MP3 format.

an excerpt:
“The shape of the Christian faith is cruciform. What we wear around our necks, if we wear a cross, is actually a symbol of torture….but if torture is the ultimate example of the use of fear to control others, then what would you call a person who was…radically free enough to go to death rather than take back the truth of his own life?”

I have been thinking about this a lot today; what does radical freedom look like? Dr. Meyers says it means, for one thing, that you have nothing left to prove. I struggle with that a lot, as I feel in some part of me that I have to prove myself to everyone I meet, especially to people who matter. I have to prove that I am good, and worthwhile, and ever so smart. Left to its own devices, my brain will spend hours having conversations with people who are not actually there; exes, former friends, people who have doubted me or not been kind. I spent a great deal of this morning praying that I may learn what it means to be free enough to know that I have nothing to prove, because I am Loved.

Yeah, we’re still working on that. Occasionally I worry that eventually the authorities will come knocking on my door, telling me that the jig is up, and that I will have to come with them, as I have been assigned my Truest Life, which is, obviously, as a night manager at Burger King, that I am not remotely well enough to try to contribute to the culture, and, by the way, that I will have to start being heterosexual, as I am not nearly cool or witty enough to pull off the whole homosexual thing.

Then I think about some of the homosexuals I know, and I believe that when the Authorities show up, they will at least have some of them in their clutches before they come for me.

Which is also bad, as I want to be free enough to not have to find my identity by comparing myself to others.

I can’t wait till it gets warmer.

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