Tuesday, October 18, 2005 | by nathan

On Second Thought…

For the first time in the history of this blog, I deleted a post. Why? Because I’m over it. I realized it this morning. The short version of the story is that someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile made me feel shitty and invalidated, and I let it happen, because I have a history of doing this. I tend to pin my sense of self-worth to others’ evaluations of me, and then lash out when these evaluations are less than favorable.

Then, in the car this morning, I got it. I got that I am a complete and utter lunatic and that my cheese is sliding right off my cracker, and that this is Okay, because I do not believe, in a spiritual sense, that my identity is defined by others’ opinions of me, my life, my writing, or my career.

So there’s that. I spent the whole way to work laughing at myself. Coffee helped with this, as did Mary Chapin Carpenter.

I am kind of agonizing over the decision to remove the post, because it shows a side of me that I do not like at all, and this blog - and my whole writing life - are supposed to be all about showing those things so that we can all get better together. But the post did not - and does not - reflect my state of mind so much as a childish reaction to a childish problem that has no bearing on who I am now. I like to think that I hold inside me all the people that I have been, and for a while last night, “High School Nathan” showed up in all his crazy-eyed fear and insecurity.

You would think, at 25, that teenage problems would not resurface so readily. I have spent the past seven years, with the help of Jesus, friends, good books, and the kitty, detoxing off all of those insecurities, but it takes a lifetime to get healthy. Insecurities are like addictions in a way, because they confirm my default position, which is that there is not enough love, or talent, or success, or affirmation, or fame to go around and that I had better get mine sooner rather than later or I will miss the train entirely.

The truth I know is that there is enough love, and that chasing things like success, good looks, money, fame, approval, and coolness is a losing game, because there will never be enough of these things. It’s Charlie Brown with the football; if you agree to play, you’ve already lost.

So let’s just get the following out of the way:

I am not: cool, always likeable, original, possessed of a good attitude, Christlike, exceptional, heroic, hardworking, or financially stable.

I am: possessed of a bit of talent, deeply insecure, loved, happy, coffee-addicted, forgiving, afraid, out of shape, kind, bitchy, cranky, and creative.

I am trying to be: disciplined, liked, popular, intimidating, better with money, and nicer.

Insecurities aside, I think that my life is pretty great. All of these things form the me of me, and they are why I write - because I need to get them out there, and, I think, if they are out there, it means that somebody needs to read them so they, too, can laugh at themselves, or look into the scary places, or remember that the eagle on the credit card does not really soar.

And the beautiful part about writing is that I get to do it, no matter what.

Speaking of writing, and mine in particular…

Justin Lee is going to be on Dr. Phil tomorrow! Which means - GCN is about to blow up (we hope). Everybody watch it who can - you can’t miss Justin. He’s the guy with no hair. He’ll be debating some ex-gay guy. Lord - when will people learn?

It's Not Right But It's Okay