Tuesday, October 11, 2005 | by Nate

The End of These Stupid Surveys, Once And For All.

I have been browbeaten lately for more regular blog updates, and while I hate these stupid “Get To Know You” surveys, this is about all I have time for of late. So here. And to the person who sent me this (she knows who she is) you are a dead bitch the next time I see you.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia from “Angel”) and Dan Radcliffe (The kid who plays Harry Potter). Also Monica Lewinsky, Omar Epps, Marlon Wayans, Alison Krauss, Joel Stein, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Slash, Eriq LaSalle, and Tony Joe White.
2. Where was your first kiss? A hotel room at Key Club convention, 11th grade. Well, that was my first *boy* kiss.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? you know it.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?Yes. Kara Oldenburg, 6th grade.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Does karaoke count? Then yes. Me and Erica get down on some “Love Shack” on occasion, yes, yes we do.
6. What’s the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Whether or not they are Brian. No, seriously. I notice hotness.
7. What really turns you on? Unexpected sex.
8. What do you order at Starbucks? Iced Passion Chai Tea in the summer, vanilla latte in the winter.
9. What is your biggest mistake? the one I make every day - forgetting that God loves me.
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Sometimes when I get really, really angry I bang my head on things.
11. Say something totally random about yourself. I once passed out drunk in the doorway of a bakery in Venice and awoke to an angry Italian poking me with the business end of a broom.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? My mom thinks I look like Bright Eyes. I don’t see it. When I was a kid people said I favored that kid from Dick Tracy, which was not a compliment.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? heck yeah! Ever see Lazy Town?
14. Did you have braces? Nope, luckily. My teeth came in straight. (The only part that did, apparently ;-))
15. Are you comfortable with your height? Do I have a choice about it?
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Recognized ahead of time what a huge homo I am and stayed the hell away. Thanks girls!
17. When do you know it’s love? You just know.
18. Do you speak any other languages? Conversational Italian, limited German, and can read ancient Hebrew texts with a lexicon and a spare weekend.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? once. It was nice enough, but didn’t work.
20. What magazines do you read? Out, The Advocate, Vanity Fair, Vogue, GQ, Utne Reader, Believer, Dwell, Atlantic Monthly, The Economist (God, am I this boring?)
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Nope.
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? yes
23. Do you watch MTV? No. I watch HGTV. PARTY!
24. What’s something that really annoys you? Asshole drivers. You know those people who get in the lane that’s ending and go around everyone, which makes the rest of us have to slow down? Those people are going to go to Hell. Okay, perhaps not Hell, but definitely the Mean People’s Room in Heaven, where they will be seated with Ann Coulter and Paul Wolfowitz.
25. What’s something you really like? My house.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson? The music? Yes, before 1993. The person, no, never.
27. Can you dance? In a manner of speaking, and after many cocktails.
28. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up? Once in high school I was up for four days on end.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Unfortunately yes.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Almost never. Which leaves me wondering if anyone else will.