Thursday, October 6, 2005 | by nathan

Nathan Hearts Brian

I woke up this morning to the smell of brewing coffee, because Brian was incredibly excited about the very, very nice coffee maker that his parents gave him. Having redeveloped a new semi-addiction to caffeine, I went last night to Wal-Mart (yeah, yeah) and bought a nice stainless-steel thermos. Brian made us coffee and we sat on the couch this morning watching the news, huddled up together against the first real chill of autumn that descended last night.

This relationship is textured very differently than any other I have ever had. It is like autumn in a lot of ways, whereas all my other relationships were like summer. In summer there is always too much energy, too much light, and too much to do. There is this rush to have all the fun in the world because school is going to start before too long and the fun will be over. There are too many late nights, too many expectations, and too much disappointment. I have noticed the past several years that I am exhausted at the end of every summer, like I was at the end of every relationship.

This relationship began differently. It was birthed in deep, abiding friendship and fellowship. When it evolved into romance it was an awakening for me: “Here is someone who cares deeply about me and about whom I care deeply.” It was a surprise, and in many ways, it continues to be. I keep finding new things to love about Brian.

For one thing, I have seen an unfailing and deep generosity in him that is rare, and which seems to spring from a deep thankfulness and faith in him. Brian does not brook mediocrity in himself or me, but also, he knows when rest is appropriate, and when not to push himself or others for the sake of pushing. Being with him has reminded me the usefulness and joy of knowledge, because he seems to know something about everything, and he holds a deep interest for learning and using what he learns. He cares deeply about things like being a good neighbor, and a good steward, and a good partner. When my car broke down, he showed up at my door with a new radiator, which he proceeded to install.

Also, he is hella sexy.

He let me have the left side of the bed, even though he wanted to sleep next to the vent. When I crawl in bed long after he is asleep, he still wakes up enough to roll over and put his arm around me so I can snuggle up close to him. He lets me have control of the remote more often than probably he should. He is letting me make the second bedroom into an office so I can have a quiet place to write. My friends love him and rely on him probably a bit too much, but he helps them out with moving, and computer problems, and car issues readily. Laurie asked me, “When are you asking him to marry you?”

We spent the weekend moving into the new house, which, unfortunately, involved a whole lot of us sniping at one another (although I gave more snipe than I received, easily). He puts up with me when I am at my worst. He gives me this look with these big brown eyes, like he is amazed that I even exist - while I am amazed that he chose me, because, well, I am a mess and often do not know up from down.

This relationship feels more autumnal: more at ease, more mature, more organic and thoughtful. It is getting colder here; I am leaving work in three hours to go to Mom’s house and pick up all my winter clothes and my big, heavy coat. This excites me more than you can possibly fathom. He takes good care of me when my family is stressing me out. He went with me to see “Serenity” (AWESOME MOVIE GO SEE IT) and agrees that Zoe gets the “Badass of the Year Award.” He apologizes for being cranky even when he is not, and he smells terrific. He has the best heart of anyone I have ever known, and he is possessed of a Christlike compassion. He bristles at social injustice, gets mad at the shortcomings of the church, and harbors no latent, immature “gay guilt.” Nothing in our relationship is rushed or whitewashed over, and when we have conflict, we are able to be honest. He brings to life a saying that I love: “You can either practice being right, or you can practice being kind.” Because he always practices the latter first. He challenges me to love my family more than I do, especially when I am struggling to love them at all. His sense of humor is dry and dark, like mine, and he wants our home to be a place where anyone feels welcome, anytime. Let it be known among all people: I am friggin’ blessed, and I have an awesome guy.

Summer is coming to visit OKC over her fall break, and she can now shower and sleep without a neck brace, which is an awesome sign that the healing process is actually occurring, so to all of you who are praying for her - thanks. Pray that the house will be in less of a state of disarray by the time she arrives and that Brian and I will get to spend some more quality time together, because this week has been characterized by my not being home between the hours of 7:30 AM and 11 PM, which sucks a fatty.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.