Tuesday, October 25, 2005 | by nathan

Calling In…Well…

Brian has an HD receiver, and as we don’t actually have cable hooked up in the house yet, I am sitting here watching PBSHD, which is absolutely the most fun thing ever. Have I mentioned that I effing love public broadcasting? At least we have internet in the house now so I can blog. Yes, folks, I decided not to go to work. This boy needs rest.

It got cold here, which thrills me beyond belief, as I love autumn. This summer was oppressively hot and tedious, as I was working seven days a week at Upward Bound and the OU Pool, so while everyone else was out having fun, and all the other writers were getting their work done, I was struggling to keep up with life and stay air-conditioned. It was miserable. Luckily I had Brian, Jesus, and the roof at the loft to get me through.

Now it’s fall, we have a house, and I feel much more relaxed, despite the fact that I am busier than ever. But the house is drafty, so we bundle up a lot, and Brian still cannot lay down very well, so his parents hauled a tacky recliner up from Chickasha and put it in our bedroom so at least we could be in the same room at night.

This weekend was absolutely amazing, however. Summer Oakes came in from St. Louis, where she is attending WashU. It was the second time I have seen her since this happened (click it for the story):

Friday was my last day as a temp at O-Trip - I am now a permanent part-time Admissions Clerk (yay?) - and so I took my leave at 1 PM for the last time. I drove to Edmond and picked up Summer at her brother’s house, which confirmed for me once again that Edmond is the worst, most horrible place in Oklahoma. She and I came back to the house, where I gave her “The Tour,” and when Brian got home we went grocery shopping. Bryon Chambers came over and we started getting ready for the cookout. Soon mom and Laurie and Jaye arrived and I was welling up with happiness. Here all of these people who love me so well are in one room together and it’s not Heaven? It was incredible.

Summer may get the C-Collar off on Nov. 1. Pray that this happens.

After awhile Donald and Christine, Summer’s brother and sister-in-law, showed up to hang out with us. A little while later the house exploded with activity; Gabe showed up with his boyfriend Kirk, Michael Bolin, and David Smith. Then Todd and Steve walked in, and then Auvrey. It was amazing, but as the host I did not have enough energy to give everyone the tour, or even really say hello for very long, and I felt as if I was ignoring Summer, but things were nuts. Bryon sensed this and took me for a walk down the street to the gazebo so that I could decompress a little, which was nice, but by the time we got back Summer and Auvrey and Donald and Christine had gone, because they were all tired. Bryon went out to meet Matthew and the gay boys had to run off to Jayson Rayburn’s birthday party.

So then it was me, Brian, Laurie, Jaye, Todd, and Steve, all sitting in the den, “pow-wowing.” Things get a little fuzzy at this point; remembering it is like remembering a scene from “Fight Club.” There were sips from the bottle of Sloe Gin, and then me on the porch with a bottle of Tanqueray, and then me passing out on the couch. Other than that…

All in all, a night of great love from beloved family, as I consider all of these people mine. Mary Chapin-Carpenter has this great line: “We’ve got two lives: one we’re given, and the other one we make.” I think that this line is also true for families. We are issued a family by God and genetics at birth, and then God, in all Her showoffy awesomeness, sends us the building blocks for a “do-it-yourself” family, a kit that we assemble through our lives to take care of us and for whom we take tender, loping, uneven care. Mine gathered in my house Friday night and I felt wonderful.

Saturday we watched two infomercials in a row. We started calling it “The Asshole Channel.” Because people in infomercials are assholes.

Saturday night we went to dinner at Sophabella’s with all of Summer’s Oklahoma friends and family who love her more than we know how to express. After, Auvrey, Tasha, Summer, Brian, and I went to Auvrey’s condo to watch episodes of MST3K, including one of my old favorites, Parts: The Clonus Horror, which includes these great lines (which, taken out of context are not that funny:

“I think you’re neat.” “I like how keen you are.”

“Only you can prevent groin fires.”

“When are you going to America?” “Later on.”

We also watched an inexplicable short whose name I don’t readily remember, but which involved a woman dancing around and singing incomprehensible, modernesque arias about how much she wants a Corvette and the “Kitchen of the Future.” There was laughter. It has been too long since we have all done that, and I was thrilled at how easily Brian fit in. Yet another reason to love him.

Sunday we just hung out with Summer for awhile, shuttling her around to Full Circle, the Apple Store, and CompUSA before dropping her off with Tasha and Ben. It made me sad to see her go, but anytime I get to see that girl it brings something wonderful to my life. I want everyone to pray that she gets that C-Collar off. Right now. Take a moment.

******************************************

Done? Okay.

Bryon called us when we were on the way home and said he was getting off work early. As he works next door to our house, at Farmer’s, we invited him over for dinner. The three of us went to the grocery store and bought stuff for me to make manicotti, which I did, and Bryon brought us a bottle of fantastic red wine.

Again - could it be better?

And now, after a two-day weekend (what? What?) I get back into the swing of things, slowly. Ana is gone this week so I am doing lab all by myself, which means they don’t even last an hour. I wonder if I suck, or if my “You already know this, let’s practice for a minute and then go” approach is good enough. Because they do know it.

Anyhow.

Everyone in my Creative Nonfiction class liked my third piece, which was about my first job, as a telemarketer. Have I mentioned that I love being a writer? All three of these pieces are headed to magazine editors, as per Dr. Kamau’s suggestion to me during our last meeting. I hope my mail slot is big enough for all the rejection letters, because none of my past mailboxes have been able to accomodate them all.

Friday, October 21, 2005 | by nathan

Everything is going pear shaped for the people who are making this country suck

This Guy goes to school with me. I just started reading his blog. In Heaven, he is going to be in the Mean People’s Room with Ann Coulter and Paul Wolfowitz, and this guy:

This is Tom DeLay’s mug shot. Look at him smiling like a sonofabitch. He actually doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He doesn’t think he is capable of doing anything wrong.

Ugh.

The recruiter from yesterday is really hard at it today. He just signed up this guy named Brian (not my Brian) who seems really nice and soft-spoken. They just came up to get Brian’s transcript and I noticed how the recruiter kept him talking about anything and everything but the fact that he’s likely going to be shipped off to Iraq to die. They talked about the NBA, and CSI, and cars.

Brian’s a poor black kid. People like DeLay think that Iraq, and oil, are the reason poor black kids are put on this Earth.

Okay. I’m breathing again.

In the wake of Justin Lee’s appearance on Dr. Phil, I am returning from (I laughingly use the phrase) sabbatical next week. That’s right, kids - QAF will very soon be back and, I hope, better than ever, though that remains to be seen. Some of the material in the first “episode” premiered in one form or another in this blog, but you should read it anyway, because it will be highly polished (trying not to snicker at myself) and much better than this drivel. As usual, I wrote a cheesy, “wrap-up” ending that I promise to hack off and burn before it gets posted.

I got a bunch of work done on the office last night, too, which was good, because Summer is in town and we are having a cookout at the house tonight. Gabe is coming, as are my mom and aunt Peggy and Jaye and Laurie, and all of these people are bringing necessities, like beer and cucumber salad.

I had a few casual vodka and Dr. Peppers last night as I was cleaning and now I feel all wonky. I absolutely do not know how Gabe and I used to go out six nights a week, get bombed on McCormick’s and Newports, then get up and go to work in the morning without breakfast. I look back on that year of my life with some fondness, some embarassed flinching, and a whole lot of wonder at how I even survived. I’ll tell you this much: it was much, much easier to manage it all after I got fired from Harold’s. I suppose that goes without saying, really. To this day I avoid Whataburger and McCormick’s like the plague. Okay, well, I avoid Whataburger. But it’s mostly Skyy and Grey Goose these days, and the Dunhill cigarettes disappeared mysteriously from the kitchen (**coughcoughBryonChamberscoughcough**) so I was smoke-free last night except for the incense I burned in the office.

I just gotta say that I am hella stoked about tonight. Cookout, good friends, slightly chilly weather, and beer. Does it get fucking better?

I think only in Heaven. And to be perfectly honest, I think Heaven will be a lot like that.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 | by nathan

Too Good Not To Share (or “Why I Write Nonfiction”)

This happened a moment ago:

me: (sitting in my chair at the A/R desk)
Naval Recruiting Officer (NRO): Hey, you look like you’re, what, maybe 18? Already stuck here in this dead-end job? You ever think about signing up?
me: (fall off my chair in fits of laughter. Somewhere, the gasped words “twenty….five….year…old…faggot…” escaped my mouth, but by then he had mostly walked away.)

This is why I love writing nonfiction, folks. Life is so much more creative and funny than I could ever dream of being.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 | by nathan

Middle-American Vignettes

Vignettes:

***********************

When I first met Janet, a woman who works in Registration (the office behind mine), she introduced herself this way:

“Hi, I’m Janet. I’m a crazy person. I’m totally insane. Out of my mind. I’m a crazy person. You just never know what I’m gonna do. I’m tellin’ ya - crazy.”

I couldn’t help but think that if Janet was truly crazy, she probably would’ve humped my leg, tried to choke herself with the phone cord, or, possibly, not been hired to work here at all. I wonder why people so often say this about themselves. What is the image we are trying to cultivate, and where is it? Does she need me to see her a certain way, or does she need to see herself that way?

***********************

There is a blind man I see a lot who is very, very mean to his seeing-eye dog. My friend Jamie in college had a seeing-eye dog, a gentle golden lab who would nuzzle you gently in the stomach. He was the kind of dogs who mitigates a bit of the trauma I underwent as a child when I was mauled by a blue heeler mutt.

The guy I see now has a dog who is, by all appearances, very gentle and very patient, but also who longs for a bit of human contact. When I walk by the dog, its ears perk up and it gives me that “come pet me” doggy look. But there is a large sign on the handle by which the man grips his dog that says:

I AM A SERVICE ANIMAL. DO NOT PET ME

When I see this man he is always jerking the dog’s leash or yelling at it. Today when I saw him he was muttering down at the dog, who was looking browbeaten and tired. Maybe the guy is just really sad to be blind, but - this part should go without saying - that is nothing to take out on a hapless animal, especially one as beautiful as his. Not that he would know how beautiful the dog is, being blind and all.

***********************

When Jon Stewart interviewed Bill O’Reilly, his lead-in question was, “So - why so grumpy?” I occasionally expect to be asked this, as I often appear to have a worse attitude than I actually do.

***********************

I flipped someone off on the interstate the other day. It was an older woman who had a bumper sticker on her minivan with the international bathroom symbols spelling out the words “Man + Woman = Marriage.” I thought, “That’s such an angry bumper sticker to have,” so I honked and flipped her off. How juvenille of me. You’d think I would’ve learned, having the family that I have, that anger in response to anger is not the right way to go, almost ever.

***********************

Tom DeLay was indicted. I did a dance. I am praying to learn how to not rejoice at others’ misery. Maybe I really will grow to lead the Resistance.

***********************

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 | by nathan

Funny Conversation at KGOU and the day’s weirdness

In staff meeting this afternoon…

Suzanna: I think my story was really boring.

Brooke (the producer): I thought it was pretty good.

Suzanna: I learned a lot about the Earth’s rotation. Apparently it’s…always…rotating.

Justin was on Dr. Phil this afternoon, but I was at the radio station the whole time and only got to catch a minute or two of the show, but I would be eager to know how much traffic over at GCN increased. I hope a lot, because I think that it is one of the most valuable resources on the internet, and that is not just because I am on it. More like the other way around.

****************

Okay, all that steam about how I was going to kick ass on my APA style quiz. Well…

****************

I think I am getting bored with the Internet. Here is a daily roundup of my internet rounds: 1) Email 2) Facebook 3) Salon.com (bulk of time is spent here) 4) CNN.com 5) GCN 6) Whedon.info 7) mugglenet.com msnbc.com/comics (Doonesbury and the Boondocks) 9) back to CNN for the news (for some weird reason) 10) this blog (looking in vain for comments) 11) other blogs - mostly Jonathan and Tish’s, Leah’s, or one of the Broyleses (KC and David). I read JonA’s livejournal a lot, but I am not as faithful as I should be. Then on to the writing, or the chatting, or whatever computerey badness I am up to that day.

****************

BBQ at my house Friday at 7!!! Bring beer or coleslaw, or both!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 | by nathan

Two Posts In One Day! You Lucky (two) People You! or “Pass Me Some of That Shit Over There”

Things To Be Happy About This Week:

1. I am going to kick ass on my APA quiz tonight (what a joke).
2. Tomorrow afternoon at the radio station staff meeting, my story about OU Aviation’s lovely new fleet of planes will be finished, polished, and perfectly ready to go, and this makes me happy in pants. I love reporting more than chocolate banana nut bread. Journalism is fun. (Incidentally, here is a conversation I had and what it made me realize:)
Me: I have a bachelor’s degree in religion and philosophy.
Incredibly Stupid Guy (ISG): Oh yeah? That’s so cool.
Me: It was a lot of fun.
ISG: So, like - I have this question about, like, religion, and maybe you can help me out.
Me: (trying not to roll my eyes) Oh yeah? What’s that?
ISG: Like, what do you think about The DaVinci Code? Did you read that book? That book blew my mind. What did you think about that book? ‘Cause that was crazy. I mean, I thought Left Behind was pretty cool, but that book…wow… So what did you think about that?
Me: (lying) I didn’t read them.

And the moral of that story is that from now on, when people ask me what my undergraduate degree is in, I am going to totally lie and say “Subsistence Agriculture.” I wish Jon Warren was here to talk theology with me - it would be like conversational Listerine.

3) Summer Oakes is coming to OKC on Thursday night! YAHOO! I miss that girl like a fat kid misses pie.* We are going to watch old episodes of MST3K and I am going to try to get my house really really clean before then.
4) Did I mention how much I love KGOU? Best.Radio.Station.Ever. The next episode of the show airs Oct. 30 - log in to kgou.org to listen to it. Oct. 30th. Noon.
5) Ana is going to Spain to deal with family stuff next week, so I will be left alone to teach the classes and labs by myself, which is terrifying except for the fact that I really think I can do it. What is amazing about that is that a year ago, all I knew about video productions was what I learned after four years of being a roadie in college. Oddly enough, this made me the most qualified person in the journalism school to teach this class. Apparently I’m the only one who knows his way around an Allen & Heath sound board. Go fig. Pray for me about this, but I’m pretty stoked.
6) This History Channel deal is actually going to happen - the closer we get to film dates (Nov. 10-12) the more I realize that - This effing History Channel deal is really going to happen! Yarg! MEAD! Scary.
7) I have now seen Serenity twice. Gina Torres rules. Joss Whedon REALLY rules.
I just got to have the following conversation (via IM) with Brian:
Brian: you are so cool
me: am I?
Brian: yes, you are.
me: how do you figure?
Brian: i just do. i am completely taken with you.
me: I effing love you.
Brian: i effing love you too.
Brian: more than you realize…. i love you a scary lot
me: are you going to feed me my own cat sometime soon?
Brian: no, I don’t think so.
me: what’s the matter? You don’t like eating pussy?

I love my crazy life, occasionally.

*no offense meant to the fat kids of the world. Here’s a cupcake.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 | by nathan

On Second Thought…

For the first time in the history of this blog, I deleted a post. Why? Because I’m over it. I realized it this morning. The short version of the story is that someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile made me feel shitty and invalidated, and I let it happen, because I have a history of doing this. I tend to pin my sense of self-worth to others’ evaluations of me, and then lash out when these evaluations are less than favorable.

Then, in the car this morning, I got it. I got that I am a complete and utter lunatic and that my cheese is sliding right off my cracker, and that this is Okay, because I do not believe, in a spiritual sense, that my identity is defined by others’ opinions of me, my life, my writing, or my career.

So there’s that. I spent the whole way to work laughing at myself. Coffee helped with this, as did Mary Chapin Carpenter.

I am kind of agonizing over the decision to remove the post, because it shows a side of me that I do not like at all, and this blog - and my whole writing life - are supposed to be all about showing those things so that we can all get better together. But the post did not - and does not - reflect my state of mind so much as a childish reaction to a childish problem that has no bearing on who I am now. I like to think that I hold inside me all the people that I have been, and for a while last night, “High School Nathan” showed up in all his crazy-eyed fear and insecurity.

You would think, at 25, that teenage problems would not resurface so readily. I have spent the past seven years, with the help of Jesus, friends, good books, and the kitty, detoxing off all of those insecurities, but it takes a lifetime to get healthy. Insecurities are like addictions in a way, because they confirm my default position, which is that there is not enough love, or talent, or success, or affirmation, or fame to go around and that I had better get mine sooner rather than later or I will miss the train entirely.

The truth I know is that there is enough love, and that chasing things like success, good looks, money, fame, approval, and coolness is a losing game, because there will never be enough of these things. It’s Charlie Brown with the football; if you agree to play, you’ve already lost.

So let’s just get the following out of the way:

I am not: cool, always likeable, original, possessed of a good attitude, Christlike, exceptional, heroic, hardworking, or financially stable.

I am: possessed of a bit of talent, deeply insecure, loved, happy, coffee-addicted, forgiving, afraid, out of shape, kind, bitchy, cranky, and creative.

I am trying to be: disciplined, liked, popular, intimidating, better with money, and nicer.

Insecurities aside, I think that my life is pretty great. All of these things form the me of me, and they are why I write - because I need to get them out there, and, I think, if they are out there, it means that somebody needs to read them so they, too, can laugh at themselves, or look into the scary places, or remember that the eagle on the credit card does not really soar.

And the beautiful part about writing is that I get to do it, no matter what.

Speaking of writing, and mine in particular…

Justin Lee is going to be on Dr. Phil tomorrow! Which means - GCN is about to blow up (we hope). Everybody watch it who can - you can’t miss Justin. He’s the guy with no hair. He’ll be debating some ex-gay guy. Lord - when will people learn?

Sunday, October 16, 2005 | by nathan

The Weird Weekend Maze of Specialness

One of my good friends from high school is getting married in January. His little sister, Monica, who is four years younger than me, is getting married next month. You can bet their parents are thrilled. Monica asked me to be an usher in her wedding. She is like a sister to me in a lot of ways, and she always shares her cigarettes, which, to me, is the mark of a spiritually mature woman. So I said yes. That was a month and a half ago.

Friday I went to get my measurements for the tux I am to wear. The thing is, by all accounts, pink-pin striped, with a big pimp hat, and a cane. I began to think about faking my own death, or, if that didn’t work, finding some way to actually end my life. But I love Monica dearly, and, well, when else in my life am I going to get to wear a pimp tux? I decided just to go with it.

Song: "Either Way It Goes" by Blue Merle

The tux rental place was on the west side of Norman. It was more or less a costume/pageant shop called "Southern Charm." I walked in and was immediately asked to wait for Kayne, who seemed to be the big honcho. So I waited, and immediately I knew this was all a mistake.

First of all, it was clear that I was out of my element. The blood boiled into my face when I realized that this place was the place where rich Norman women bring their pageant-entering daughters. Kayne, I soon realized, is apparently the Carson Kressly of Norman, because these women (I saw no fewer than ten George W. Bush stickers on cars in the parking lot) were coming to him to make their daughters beautiful. Because, you know - all a girl needs to know is how to be pretty. And incidentally, who buys their prom dress in October? I may be the slightest bit angry.

Anyway, Kayne flew around the store like a moth. There was a little Paris Hilton dog on the ground, running around between my feet. It seemed to like me even more after I accidentally kicked it. "Oh my God, that’s FABULOUS!" he cried when a girl emerged from the dressing room in a bikini (again - in October?). "Ooh, honey, that is not a good color on you." Things like this. Which is fine, as I once worked in clothing retail and used the same tactics to unnerve my straight-male clientele, because I was bored with my life. At least Kayne’s effusiveness was genuine. Then it came time to measure me.

Kayne stolled up to me with the suddenly-affected swagger of a football coach. His voice lowered - I am not kidding - a full octave. "Let’s get you measured, bud. Lift your arms." I stared at him in disbelief in a second. He must have thought I was thinking, "What a faggot." And to be honest, to some degree, I was.

I was offended, first off, that he did not recognize his own people. I thought briefly about implying that he and I needed to have a go-round in the dressing room, but I did not find him attractive, and I am happily married, and, well, I never really liked Carson Kressly, and from what Thom Felicia told me, neither does anyone else. Still, I could have excused him this, because I had taken a three-hour nap that afternoon, and hadn’t showered, and was in ratty clothes. So - fine, whatever. He kept measuring me, and doing one of the most annoying things ever. "Okay, now lower your arms, bud." "Now let’s get your waist, bud." I hate being called "bud," "champ," "guy," or any other straight-guy add on. I can deal with dude, because I say it all the damn time, but still. I think what pissed me off was that he affected this whole persona with me all of a sudden, when I’m standing in the middle of his dress shop - his DRESS SHOP - and thinking, "Who the hell do you think you’re kidding?"

Maybe in order to be successful in business you have to do these things. I wouldn’t know; I was fired from the only retail job I ever had, and I am certain that my complete inability to do that job well had something, at least a little, to do with my complete refusal to hide the fact that I really enjoy sleeping with men. And this guy - let me quote Margaret Cho. "He’s such a bottom that somebody might fall in. You need to put some cones around him. He need a guardrail, or something." Also, he measured my waist at 33, which I have not been in quite some time, and is 2 inches more than almost all the pants I own, which is why I keep wearing the same three pairs of jeans over and over again. So - not the most pleasant of experiences. So I walked outside and called Paul, the father of the bride. "Wow, that place was an experience in specialness." Paul laughed. "Yeah, that guy is, uh - well, he’s pretty - yeah." "Yeah."

Paul made some remark about being scared, and that was when I got it. Here I was on the very verge of gay-bashing Kayne over the phone. Just letting him have it, the little faggot. I felt afraid of myself and this mean, angry thing that lives inside me and thinks it is my job to fix everyone. I realized that I am not, not okay. On a deep level. So there’s that.

Song: "Laura" by Scissor Sisters

I was in a weird place emotionally anyway. Brian broke his wrist on Friday when he fell off a railing at his work, and he was in so much pain in his arm and back on Friday and Saturday nights that he had to sleep sitting up, and couldn’t function when the Lortab they gave him started wearing off. It killed me to watch him endure so much pain and be able to be of so little help, and I am still worried that his back is all fuckity from the fall. Also, on Friday at work at O-Trip, I googled my friend David’s band, Dr. Pants. I found a blog of a guy in OKC who goes by the name Dr. Pants, but quickly decided, "No, this is definitely not David Broyles." But this blog had a promising link on it to NaDruWriNi, or Blogging While Intoxicated, which was something I quickly got excited about: http://abroad-abroad.org/index.php/2005/10/09/blogging-while-intoxicated/ This link led me to a blog of a girl who is married and living in Korea, and it was entertaining enough, and I was bored at work, so I started reading.

Well. Turns out it belonged to a girl I knew in high school, with whom I have fallen out of touch since senior year. I sat there and read the whole way through her blog. It was like being in some kind of out-of-body experience. The internet has these creepy powers, sometimes.

It put me in a weird place emotionally - so I was fertile ground for the little missles that were Kayne and Brian’s broken wrist and my new fatness and complete inability to get it up to exercise. Ugh. Life is so weird and special sometimes.

Saturday, October 15, 2005 | by Nate

Eric Riddle took a cool picture of me

I was looking at my friend Eric Riddle’s website today. He took a cool picture of me at OKC Pride this year.

A lot is happening. Will write tomorrow when I am in the lab.

PS, Song that is Stuck In My Head: “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths. Thanks, Jon and Tish Warren. Thanks a bloody lot.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 | by Nate

The End of These Stupid Surveys, Once And For All.

I have been browbeaten lately for more regular blog updates, and while I hate these stupid “Get To Know You” surveys, this is about all I have time for of late. So here. And to the person who sent me this (she knows who she is) you are a dead bitch the next time I see you.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia from “Angel”) and Dan Radcliffe (The kid who plays Harry Potter). Also Monica Lewinsky, Omar Epps, Marlon Wayans, Alison Krauss, Joel Stein, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Slash, Eriq LaSalle, and Tony Joe White.
2. Where was your first kiss? A hotel room at Key Club convention, 11th grade. Well, that was my first *boy* kiss.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? you know it.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?Yes. Kara Oldenburg, 6th grade.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Does karaoke count? Then yes. Me and Erica get down on some “Love Shack” on occasion, yes, yes we do.
6. What’s the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Whether or not they are Brian. No, seriously. I notice hotness.
7. What really turns you on? Unexpected sex.
8. What do you order at Starbucks? Iced Passion Chai Tea in the summer, vanilla latte in the winter.
9. What is your biggest mistake? the one I make every day - forgetting that God loves me.
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Sometimes when I get really, really angry I bang my head on things.
11. Say something totally random about yourself. I once passed out drunk in the doorway of a bakery in Venice and awoke to an angry Italian poking me with the business end of a broom.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? My mom thinks I look like Bright Eyes. I don’t see it. When I was a kid people said I favored that kid from Dick Tracy, which was not a compliment.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? heck yeah! Ever see Lazy Town?
14. Did you have braces? Nope, luckily. My teeth came in straight. (The only part that did, apparently ;-))
15. Are you comfortable with your height? Do I have a choice about it?
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Recognized ahead of time what a huge homo I am and stayed the hell away. Thanks girls!
17. When do you know it’s love? You just know.
18. Do you speak any other languages? Conversational Italian, limited German, and can read ancient Hebrew texts with a lexicon and a spare weekend.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? once. It was nice enough, but didn’t work.
20. What magazines do you read? Out, The Advocate, Vanity Fair, Vogue, GQ, Utne Reader, Believer, Dwell, Atlantic Monthly, The Economist (God, am I this boring?)
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Nope.
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? yes
23. Do you watch MTV? No. I watch HGTV. PARTY!
24. What’s something that really annoys you? Asshole drivers. You know those people who get in the lane that’s ending and go around everyone, which makes the rest of us have to slow down? Those people are going to go to Hell. Okay, perhaps not Hell, but definitely the Mean People’s Room in Heaven, where they will be seated with Ann Coulter and Paul Wolfowitz.
25. What’s something you really like? My house.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson? The music? Yes, before 1993. The person, no, never.
27. Can you dance? In a manner of speaking, and after many cocktails.
28. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up? Once in high school I was up for four days on end.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Unfortunately yes.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Almost never. Which leaves me wondering if anyone else will.