Thursday, March 3, 2005 | by nathan

Plan B

So I woke up today feeling fabulous. I worked out, had some soup (I’m out of cereal), and got dressed, feeling all cute. I ran to Border’s before work because the new Anne Lamott book is out: “Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith.”

Now, the last time I was in Border’s there was this guy working there who was absolutely the cutest guy I have ever seen in my life. Part of what made him cute was that he was exactly the type of guy I am immediately drawn to: short, like me, skinny, with glasses, and kind of alternative but not overtly so. He was adorable and I must’ve watched him stock CDs for ten minutes.

He was there when I went in today, and I was so high with the anticipation of a new Anne Lamott book that I felt a surge of bravery and asked him to help me find it. He looked it up and we went searching back in the Religion section. I was horribly embarassed to be looking for a book that was stocked next to people like Max Lucado and Billy Blanks, but my excitement really drowned out all my negative brain activity. He searched the shelves earnestly, and I watched, and at one point I was so overcome that I really thought I might just grab him and kiss him hungrily, right there. He’s that cute. You probably wouldn’t find him attractive. I do.

Finally he decided to look in the back - he went in the back to get my book for me. How great is that? I thanked him profusely and paid for my book, smiling the whole way to campus about the whole experience. They had to get the book out of the back for me! I bought it before it was even on the shelf! I couldn’t wait to kick back at work and read it. As I walked, enjoying the first chapter on the journey from my car to Gaylord Hall, and the warm sun, words began forming in my head and I came up with an entire brilliant new opus of QAF. I resolved to get to the lab and plug in and work on it. Well.

When I got here, Ben was still on the computer, and it took him 10 minutes to finish up what he was doing, and for the past three hours it’s been non-stop, in-and-out, and I’ve spent my entire time here feeling like I am spinning plates. All my eloquent, beautiful sentences flew out the window like they tend to do when you don’t get them on paper immediately. People had printing problems. Saving problems. They wanted a different computer, out of the sun. My log-in sheet today looks like someone was writing down the direct quotes of a stopwatch. Every minute someone signs in and out. It finally just slowed down long enough for me to write this, which, considering how fast I type and how poorly this is written, well…

This is the worst thing that can happen to a writer. When you get a brilliant idea, one about which you are really turned-on and that you can’t wait to work on, the worst thing that can happen is that life comes in and gets in your way and muddles it, or destroys it completely. It’s like when you draw something beautiful and intricate on an Etch-A-Sketch, and then someone comes along and shakes it, completely erasing your work. When it happens to me, it leaves me feeling hyper and crazy, like I imagine cocaine must make you feel.

So now, it’s back to Plan B - yes, I worked it in - because Plan A is all shot to hell. So I’m going to pray to stop being so curt and impatient with people like I’ve been all day. I’m going to stop thinking that my work and my aims are the end-all-be-all of life. I’m going to try really hard not to tell everyone I see to fuck off. I’m going to breathe deeply and enjoy this new book, because things have chilled out here, they’re not the beehive of activity they have been for the past several hours.

New Anne Lamott! YEAH!
Cute boy at Border’s! YEAH!
Grace for all my screwed-up-edness. HELL YEAH!

I need a Xanax or something. Deep breaths. Chill out…. glad I have tomorrow off…