Tuesday, February 8, 2005 | by nathan

The other shoe just dropped, and it’s an angry Doc Marten.

I’ve made a couple decisions - want to hear them?

1) I am going to stop reading other people’s live journals. Except perhaps Jonathan and Tish’s (speculationsandsuch.blogspot.com). Theirs is good. For some reason, every other blog I read ends up getting me upset in some way. Maybe politically, or personally, and honestly - I have quite enough on my plate as it is, what with all the shit I’m dealing with. I don’t need to add heartache to heartache.

2) Men are scum. Except perhaps for Bono. But we knew this.

3) I really like the band The Used. Even if they are a little weird.

4) I really miss Joel New. I wish he hadn’t moved to New York. And, I wish I wasn’t such a jerk. My heart loves to do this to me - when I am hurting about a boy, it goes and throws in someone else from way back for me to be sad about. Stupid, lousy mind. It does not have my best interests at heart.

Tonight, it is really hard for me not to indulge my worst habit - hating my life with passion and rigor. I must pray for the courage to feel my rotten, ugly feelings, because tonight during class, when Blake and everybody went out to smoke during the break, I wanted to go with them. I would’ve if I didn’t also have a sore throat to accompany my fun new cold.

For once, I’m not writing this in the computer lab. Oh, and I didn’t get the NPR job. Fucking just great. Other than really REALLY wanting that job, I also needed the money it would have provided. Once again, back to Square Fucking One. That seems to be where I live. Although, I do have my job at Gaylord, and I enjoy that. And dad slipped me a bit of money last time he was here, which helped. So when I think about it, I guess God does have my best interests at heart. But emotionally, I am so strung out and tired of feeling sad - I feel like an addict about 3 days out of rehab. This is how I get when I’m going through nicotine withdrawal - but doesn’t withdrawal eventually end?

God, I’m even boring the hell out of myself. I can just imagine how the two of you must feel. Good night all. Unless you’re a 20-something gay man. Then you can fucking just bite me. Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean it!

::shakes head at self.:: Going to bed. Good night. Pray for your sad friend Nate.