Tuesday, February 8, 2005 | by nathan

Overweight Tuesday

I looked at myself in the mirror today and thought - “Damn! I look cute!” So I’m going to go out tonight and flaunt my sexy self in front of the Boys of Oklahoma City, who can’t have me. God, I’m such a bitch.

After last night’s entry was all typed and published, I went upstairs for a nice, long cry. I think I entered into a kind of “Acceptance” stage with my grief. I never thought about it until that moment, but when they tell you that Acceptance is the final stage of grieving, they never tell you that it’s also the absolute worst, most horrid one. I had this image in my mind of my pain just coming and laying on the bed beside me, like a lover. And I just let it lay there.

It was a lot like when I became a believer, because Jesus had been following me around for months. He was kind of like a stray cat - you feed it once, and it never leaves you alone. So finally I just let him stay, because I knew I needed him. Last night, I was aware of this presence in my room - and I just let it stay, because it’s a part of me, but it’s a part that I don’t want at all. I don’t want to hurt. But last night I accepted that I’m just going to have to for awhile. It was the first time in days I haven’t wanted a cigarette. Maybe quitting is possible.

Anyhow - thank you to Stuart for telling me to go fuck myself. I needed that dose. It made me laugh this morning. I was late for work, so my lunch today has been Combos and an Arizona Green Tea from the gas station. Whoopty.

iPod song: “Medication” by Derek Webb. Because I do not feel the need to self-medicate these feelings away. It is cold, and brisk, and refreshing, and painful - like swimming in the Irish Sea in the middle of summer. So I’ll go out tonight and try to resist the temptation to dance like a spastic white person. And hopefully, while I’m sitting here at work, I’ll get some editing work done on this stupid, rotten novel that I am in love with. I may even post a chapter for your reading pleasure! You just never know…

Thanks for praying, you two. I appreciate it.